Considering the Ravens

A Vday Gift

2012-02-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

Finally finished my husband's Valentines Day Gift. We like to say this to one another, because the moon is just too stinkin' close, and the stars go on forever and ever. And I thought the Trekkie sign would make him giggle. :)

Whimsy Wonders

2012-01-31T09:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm finally doing it.. I opened my own Etsy shop to sell prints of my paintings! Come check it out and add me to your favorites! I only have two prints up, but more will be coming soon!

Jonah's Plans

2012-01-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

     As I read the story of Jonah this morning I realized how messed up our expectations of God are and how it can screw up our life. I have heard this story a thousand times. I personally think its ironic that its such a popular children's story: it may be me, but it is pretty frightening.. but maybe because I hate fish- and the idea of men throwing me overboard to be gobbled up by a huge one gives me the shivers. But it always looks much cuter in pastel paints. Thank you children illustrators.   But, no matter how many times I have heard about Jonah and "the whale", I learned something totally new today.
     When God comes to Jonah and says, "Arise, go to Ninevah, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me." I always assumed before, that Jonah fled because of fear. I thought, man, he is scared- to go before a large group of people and tell them they are sinning? What pressure.. no thank you. How terrifying? And who knows, that could have made him apprehensive as well, it doesn't say either way. However, after God pursues Jonah and finally, after all the raging seas and 3 days and 3 night in a fish's belly, he gives him the same command: Go to Ninevah.
     Well, of course he does now, I think he finally realized that he can't flee from God- because he isn't human. Something I would have thought was common knowledge, but desperation leads to interesting choices sometimes. So, Jonah does it.. and.. the people...listen... Actually listen.   Their king says, alright people put on sackcloth, fast and call out to the Lord. Stop all your evil ways and ask God to relent and turn from his fierce anger!
    That is a pretty humble thing for the king to do, there are many instances in the bible where kings believe themselves as gods and will not listen to any prophet. But the people of Ninevah listen and repent... And God hears them- and does not send calamity upon them. Because our God is merciful.
    So, all this I knew, but what caught me by surprise- was Jonah's words to God. His anger.

"But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was angry. And he prayed to the Lord and said, "O Lord, is not this what I said when I was yet in my country? That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster" (Jonah 4:1-2)

I had read this prayer many times- knowing he was being selfish... but it never registered that this is why he fled in the beginning. He knew God's merciful ways, and Jonah thought his own plans on how to deal with something was greater than God's. He may have had some fear, but he didn't run because he was afraid to face Ninevah and condemn them. He actually wanted to- but he also thought they deserved that destruction and had not a forgiving heart. And so he ran, hoping God wouldn't use him, because he couldn't bare to see God's ways- when his own cold heart was set.
   Maybe this struck me so much because I have been struggling with God's plan for me lately. Though I don't wish to reap destruction upon anyone- I still see how I want things to go in my head, and when God's timing or actions aren't the way I see them, I get selfish. I get angry. I wish I could say this is only something I do, and you who are reading this is safe.
      But look within yourself. Whether its finances, car troubles, broken relationships, death, suffering, poverty, depression... who's plan are you on? Are you like Jonah and get frustrated with how God is dealing with things? Some of you flee from Him, because you are tired of waiting on his timing. Some of you flee because the outcome of a situation is different than you wanted. We all have a part of Jonah in us.
      But man, on the bright side... God's saving powers, His grace to sinners, his mercy and love to those who choose to give up their harmful ways... That is a God I am willing to follow. A God I wait for, even in the hardest of times when I don't think God is doing enough, or doing too much. When are we ever satisfied? When are we content with the Creator and how He cares for His creation? Who are we to dictate what is wrong or right in His eyes?
     I'm sure a lot of you have already read this story and maybe gleamed most of the knowledge already. If so, let this be a reminder.
   Today won't go how you planned. Next year is an untold story only known to its writer. And as time unfolds we have choices to make during these unexpected experiences.
Follow Christ. Or don't.
I think that's as simple as it gets.

Naomi

2012-01-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

     This morning I decided to start the book of Ruth. I have always loved the story since the protagonist is a woman who makes hard decisions and chooses God, even when her past says she doesn't have to. One thing in chapter one that stood out to me today was this idea of Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) going to where God is providing for His people. After her husband and two sons have died and she is left with her two daughter in laws, she heard "that the Lord had visited his people and given them food (in the land of Judah)." So when she takes off to leave, she tells Ruth and Orpah that they need to go back to their own mothers so they can be wed again. Orpah finally consents, but Ruth "clings" to Naomi. That word strikes me as someone desperate.. A girl who loves someone so much they will not allow them self to be separated. Ruth is so sure that Naomi is her future and who she will follow. Ruth's infamous line is a testimony to her dedication, "Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God." And what a testimony to Naomi! How I would love someone cling to me and say, "your God will be my God!"
      Personally I have failed to be a Naomi. A lot of times I wait for God to act, and I wonder why I don't see His work done. I have become frustrated and often times revel in abandonment. And then I read stories from the Bible like this, and it reminds me that if Naomi hadn't made a move, Ruth would never have met Boaz on her own... and probably went back to her pagan background, never knowing Jesus. Its Naomi taking action and going to where God is providing.
     I know in some situations God provides for us where we are, when we are too weak to move. I had this experience as a young woman going down the wrong path. God intervened. And sometimes I wonder if its different now, that I know Him and know I must follow Him. I think its different in every season of my life, and of yours as well.
So if you aren't seeing God work in your life and you are frustrated... maybe you shouldn't ask "Why aren't you seeking me out Lord?" But ask God to show you what you are missing, who you are missing. Where is He working that you need to be a part of, and who is clinging to you, that you may lead them there as well.

No Pooing on Christmas

2011-12-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

I have been pretty bad at updating my No-Poo process, but I can finally say, after almost 4 months, I am very happy with my decision. I am now just washing my hair with water, and my favorite part is the curly-factor. I usually just let it air dry, and the natural oils that my hair produces leaves a not as frizzy curly do. I used to have to load my hair with gels and sprays to get the same look. Now, I am saving time, money and the health of my hair. And speaking of hair, I just cut JB's hair, and I am pretty proud of it :) As the brits say, Have a Happy Christmas! May you remember Jesus this season!

2011-12-11T11:29:00.001-08:00

"Since We've No Place to Go"... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Emily Barnett Dec 2011

Original work will be at the Black's Christmas Explosion Party for raffle!

The Beauty of Gentleness

2011-12-08T12:33:00.001-08:00

The North Wind and the Sun had an argument one day. They were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenlythey saw a traveler coming down the road, and the Sun said, "I see a wayto decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveler to take offhis cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin."

So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hardas it could upon the traveler. But the harder he blew the more closely didthe traveler wrap his cloak round him. The wind sent rain, even hail. The traveler clung even more desperately to his cloak. At last the Wind had to giveup in despair.

Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveler.
Quite soon the man removed his cloak from the warmth of the day.

-Aesop

A Love Letter

2011-10-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Creator of the Universe,
It is difficult to express the emotion inside my heart when I realize all that You are. "Thank you" has never been enough, but I say it anyways, for lack of a better sentiment. You have a way of romancing my heart that is more than a Father or a King. You loved me into this world whispering in my heart as I grew into a woman. A woman hanging on your every last word like dew gripping a flower's petal as the sun beats down upon it. As night comes and the purple sky is scattered with blazing stars, your greatness overwhelms this seemingly inadequate person. But you have created that hue, that blazing desire in my heart and those shining lights as a letter for me. A love letter that you write specifically for me. I am inadequate in my own humanity, but you remind me that you dwell in me, and you allow the weak to shine for Your glory just like the stars. A light breeze plays across my face as your voice deep in my soul calls me beauty and forgiven. My first lover, my God, stops death in me with a night long ago of blood and pain that still covers me today. A love that does not waver day to day due to feelings, weather or weariness. My Lord, speak to me in the sunrise of a new day. A day that you have painted for the eye to enjoy and the heart to be in awe. You have loved me when I turned from you, pursuing idols of my own, and breaking your heart. You find joy in me when I sing of your name to others and find peace in You. For you show me this through the love letter of the world around me. Through the smog and traffic the rainbows still form and the birds still sing. You have chosen to love us unconditionally, and my God, my love, I praise you with all that I am.
Love, your daughter

A Week of No Poo

2011-10-05T06:16:00.000-07:00

Today is exactly a week since I began the "No Poo" challenge. I am still using Baking Soda, Apple Cider Vinegar (and the occasional olive oil on the tips to condition). I have used no hair products in a week either, which is SO nice. I let my hair air dry and it doesn't get overly frizzy like it use to. The olive oil helps with that a lot! It also hasn't gotten to the overly oily stage, and I'm not sure if I want to make the switch to full water this next week.. because half the week I will be in Atlanta at Catalyst and if I meet Francis Chan I may feel the need to explain my greasy mess of a head. I am excited about Catalyst.. I have never been, and our staff won 5 tickets to go- a free trip to see some great speakers? Yes please. I am a little bummed my husband isn't coming, but the reunion will be really sweet when I get back Saturday.

I am also excited that a couple friends (including my brother-in-law) are doing the no-poo challenge! I am not alone! :)

Carrot Face

2011-09-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I decided to try some of the homemade masks/creams for your face. I boiled some carrots, (tried to mash them..then gave up and put them in the blender) with milk, and a little bit of vanilla extract, ginger and cinnamon for a nice scent. It smelled and looked like sweet potato baby food.. and probably tastes just as bad. I used it tonight, and my face didn't react badly with it, so thats a plus. Only time will tell if it helps in the long run. I am just thrilled I'm getting carrots in my diet in some form... :)

No Poo Day 1

2011-09-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have jumped on the small bandwagon with "No Poo". For those of you who haven't heard about it, it is where you stop using shampoo. Yes, you heard me. You may say, "Thats gross, doesn't your hair stink or get greasy?" Stink, I don't think so.. Greasy, yes in between week 2- 2 months it could be a battle. However, the up-side is that I am not filling my head with unnatural chemicals, saving money on product, and restoring my hair back to its original form. Check this site out for more details about health benefits. And, I'm starting to get on the kick of being more organic. I have also looked into homemade face scrubs/cleansers and soaps. A lot of them are made from things in your kitchen. Since I love to bake/cook from scratch because I like to know whats in my food, I am excited to be trying these home remedies for my hair and skin as well. You can get some recipes on the same site . I am so excited! I plan to keep you all updated via the blog on how my hair is holding up. Last night I applied the baking soda/water mixture.. (my new shampoo). I think I definitely put too much Baking Soda in my hair, because I was a little itchy on my back and neck and my scalp became a little dry. I may do the mixture every other day, because my hair is naturally dry anyways. I added a little rosemary oil to the tips as well.. Such a strong but clean smell.. I am feeling good this morning.. not because I think anything is working yet, but because I feel healthier just making healthier decisions!

Day1..Don't mind the up-do.. I am going to try not to use my straight-iron or a blow dryer as much as possible.. We'll see how long I can hold out..

10,000 Reasons

2011-09-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ever since National Student Conference and Fall Retreat, I can't stop singing this song.. it is originally by Matt Redman, but I couldn't find a video where he sings it straight through. This worship band does a great job, though! Listen, and get as addicted as I am :)

One Dozen

2011-05-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Twelve is a semi-distant yet intimately close number. When customers pick up a dozen eggs or donuts, they hold them in their hands knowing their family can finish them off before they get stale or old. 12 is not much, not really.

As I think about the 12 days to go till I am joined in marriage with the man I have grown to love, I realize they will go by in the wink of an eye. The realness of being married has struck me today in a new and exciting way. I can't give the feeling justice- but I know its roots are made up of contentment and joy that only God can give.

Decorations, music, flowers, programs, food... all matters a little less in my heart each day we get closer.
How our eyes drop from the goal when we focus on silly little details. My eyes would wander from wedding blog to wedding blog with anxiety thinking I needed to have a certain look or feel to my "day". And lately I have stopped looking, I don't follow as many blogs, I don't obsess over details.. because I know its real now. My dream wedding that I felt would never arrive has come and it doesn't need to be adorned with jewels. God's precious gift is enough.

I understand why women say they can't wait to "marry their best friend". Indeed, what an exciting way to live life alongside a man that will make you laugh, will grow you, will struggle with you, will love you, will guide you, and will protect you...

So as I sit on my aunt's couch, excited to be starting a whole new life in less than two weeks, I realize wow, I am getting
married in as many days as I can hold in my hands at a grocery store.

Artsy Friends and Updates

2011-04-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I absolutely hate that I haven't blogged since December.. and I feel very un-creative lately..

however, I am excited about my friend Elyse's new blog and new etsy site, though. Her Heart Felt items are super cute!

My other friend, Kaleigh, opened her vintage jewelry shop Unexpected Expectancy on store envy!

So, check out these ladies and their creativeness, while I lack in my own...

In other news
43 (or so) days till the big wedding!!
I just had my bridal showers the last few weeks (pics to follow soon) and we got a lot of nice things that I can't wait to try out in my non-exsistent apartment. Apartment searching has been frustrating, but we know something will come up.
I just can't wait to have a place to cook and paint and have people over and bake and write and clean (yes, I EVEN miss cleaning) and cuddle with my boo and... yes. I guess I am ready.

The best news, however, is that in August I will be starting an internship with UIS' campus ministry (Christian Student Fellowship) CSF. It will be support-raised (relying on God to provide money through the support of others) and a full-time job! Woo! My first full-time job :) And a great one at that.. I am very excited about it!

Jonathan and I also took some engagement pics, that I will have to put up next post.. this one is already too long!

Have a great day and God bless!

A Day That Changed History

2010-12-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

Some people think its a bit weird that Revelation is my favorite book from the Bible. Its all about death and destruction, the end of the world.. right?
Nope.. Not how I read it... Its the end of death, the end of evil, the end of pain and suffering for mankind. And it is the beginning of Christ reigning on Earth.. how sweet is that? And it will happen, because of what has already happened on that epic day hundreds of years ago. When a little boy came into the earth crying to the heavens, and left it the same way.. Without Christmas and God's grace on His people, we would not be looking forward to end times.. we would have no hope, for we have all sinned enough to damn us to hell. But because of Jesus' blood, we celebrate Christmas and prepare as the people of old prepared for his coming...

So what does that mean to us, and how should our Christmas be similar? Well, we should be preparing for Christmas by remembering Christ each day. Lindsey was telling me about an article Rob Bell wrote from Relevant about having visual clues to set our senses towards Jesus this season. (or at least that's what I got from her explanation).
It makes a lot of sense.. Whether it is an Advent Wreath or Calendar, a daily bible reading, writing in your journal, working at a food drive every week, etc.. its so important to realize that decorations, santa, presents, food and music is not to be anticipated the most.. its the joy that God was born as a baby to save us. That if He hadn't become human and literally taken on the world's sin to a point of breaking, and died for us on the cross.. then Christmas wouldn't have been such an anticipated day for the people in that time.. or for us now. But it happened.. He happened on this terrible, destructive world by Mary and Joseph who were humble followers of God.

The world awaited his arrival to bring Grace that would cover all their sins forever.. and they prepared for Him. So how do we remember Him this Christmas season?
How do we anticipate December 25th?

Another Year Older

2010-11-29T19:35:00.000-08:00

A year is only made up of days, and days, we know, “fly by”. This year is no exception, I realize, as I sit in a house that is not the one I grew up in. I am twenty-three years old today. I am at the stage where young people think I am hip, and old people think I am naïve and young. I guess I fit the standard, though usually failing at being hip and just giving in to my awkward, goofy nature. And though I am young.. I have learned a lot this year...

I have learned about pure love and laying my own lust and desires aside.
I have learned of patience and that waiting on careers and living situations was the best thing that happened to my summer.
I have learned a lot about my mom, seeing her as a person, and not just as a mother.
I have learned a lot about commitment in my relationship with JB and friends who tried to fall away from God.
I have learned that turkey makes you sleepy when you eat it.
I have learned to be a vagabond and being willing to rely on others.
And I have learned a lot about Christ’s faithfulness.

Its beautiful to realize that I have grown so much in 365 days. I think the word “transition” encompasses everything about my last year. Location transitions, spiritual transitions, relational transitions... you name it, I have probably changed to some degree because of the world around my steady feet. My favorite part of transitioning is the day after the rain. When the ground is still littered with puddles of a thunderstorm I wasn’t sure I could handle another second of. I peer into the water and the sun’s glare hits my eye, and I know I have learned something. A new wind blows through the land now. There is a change in my heart and a smile on my lips as God begins cleaning up the broken pieces the storm left behind.

This season of my life has held the most fulfilling and joyous times in my life, and also the most challenging and difficult times as well. But maybe it was only fulfilling because of the challenges? I know I haven’t seen the worst of times, or even the worst of my time here on this earth. But, man, have I seen Jesus. And in His light, there is no shadow of fear or timidity. And with that, I have hope for the future because of the proof of His past.
To another year of transition and challenges
And even more of love and joy!
Yours truly, Em

Serena and Zack

2010-09-27T17:49:00.001-07:00

Had a photoshoot last weekend, and I had a great time just being out in the beautiful weather doing what I do best! I have known Serena and Zack for years, I went to highschool with them both... and Serena asked me to take their pictures. So Friday we headed out into the Barry countryside and uptown with a camera, two lenses and a frame.
Let me know what you think! The complete set is on my flickr, so check it out!

The Waters of Selfish Thought

2010-09-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

I sink in the vast waters,
flailing my human arms,
grasping for reason
for comfort
reassurance I won't be lost,
in the dark, vicious waters
of my own selfishness.
I grow weary from the current,
allowing liquid to scorch my dry throat,
but choking the only life I've been given.
On land I am cool,
I am collected.
but everyone flails in the open seas,
no one is hurting more than us.
A raft passes over my outstretched fingers
never looking down to see my struggle.
The weight of drowning victims grab my feet,
Their icy fingers grasping for some hope I can't offer.
I could kick.
I want to kick.
I want to be free of responsibility,
of doubt,
of pain,
of this calloused heart.
of the blood upon my hands.
"I'm sorry Jesus, I can't love like you. It hurts too much."
I speak but bubbles float to the surface,
I want them to carry me up.
They disappear.
empty silence fills my ears and I crave oxygen.
my lungs blaze with fire.
I hear verses fill my ears and I glance the deep ocean for a sign,
the empty void speaks to the silence in harmony.
They work together to conspire,
to prey on my insecurities,
my pride,
my selfishness,
my wants.
But I hear the verses sung to me again
somewhere deep within me
It is of hope, perseverance, love...
and pain,
pain my God felt and feels
every.
day.
And I weep once more,
but not for me.
for Him.
for them.
and I swim,
I swim with renewed strength,
renewed peace.
I swim until the water loses gravity
and my face breaks the glassy surface.
Below me I feel the hands around my ankles begin to climb.
I am pulled under with the weight,
but I bob to the surface for breath,
tired, weary,
but understanding it isn't about me.
the people climb and their lips taste the air.
We swim together now, some of us sinking,
some floating,
but always reaching out for the drowning.
The least of these who reach for Jesus,
and feel our hands in return.

Butterfly by Rivers Cuomo

2010-09-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Though I have somewhat slipped from the Weezer scene some, I still find Rivers Cuomo to be a musical genius.. and I love this song...

New Story in the Making...

2010-09-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

One of my absolute favorite things to do,is to write short-story folk/fairytales. Ever since I was little I was writing fairytales of wizards and magical horses (yes, I still have that magical horse "book" that I illustrated as well)... The story I am working on right now, I am really excited about. I thought I would share a bit of it on here.. and maybe one day I will post the story page by page on my blog.. so you can read it a little at a time.. Still not sure.. but I am only 1/2 way done..
Here is a preview:

Lillian had momentarily forgotten about the colorful soup, and brought it to her mouth. Normally, she wouldn’t have given the Ferret any compliments, but the words were out of her mouth before she could pull in the reins.

“Oh, wow, this is glorious!”

And it was. She tasted rich foods and spicy foods and sweet foods and salty foods all drenched in feelings of joy and peace. The colors swirled around her tongue and into her stomach that seemed to smile when it entered. Lillian had never tasted anything quite so perfect in her 20 years.

Fedora grinned proudly at her creation and waited for Lillian to finish her bowl. Once she was done she asked for more, but Fedora shook her head, explaining that one was always enough. “Its wonderful, isn’t it? The recipe is secret, but there is star dust and dragon fire to give it the beauty and kick. SHA-BOOM!” The Ferret did a lightning bolt motion and began giggling to herself when Lillian jumped. The girl was too joyful to lash out at the ferret, so she joined in the laughter, instead. She hadn’t felt such happiness for years. She knew it was the magic of the broth, but she also knew that she liked this feeling. And hoped it would remain, even when she was hungry again.

After dinner Lillian helped Fedora with the dishes and they giggled about nonsense for an hour straight. As the magic seemed to disappear with the vanishing glow, so did the euphoric feeling within their chests. Lillian’s mood suddenly grew serious.

“Fedora?”

The Ferret exhaled with a smile and wiped the tears from her cheek. “Yes, dear?”

Lillian saw the animal’s eyes change to pages of knowledge, and concluded Fedora was wise beyond her first impression. What wonders and events had this animal seen in her lifetime? What had she felt? The young girl cleared her throat, suddenly intimidated to be sitting in front of a sage of some sort.

“Well, I... I was just curious...you see...” Lillian tried to pull the words from her mouth, but couldn’t make sense of them. Fedora patiently smiled and waited for her to finish. The girl breathed deeply, closed her eyes and blurted her thoughts, spilling them onto the footstool in front of her.

“I don’t know where I am going. Or why I am going there. I’m not even sure who I am. Or...or why I am.” Lillian fell limp in the chair, her brown curls resting in a wild mane around her head. She felt a tightness forming in her face, and knew tears would soon be flowing from her vibrant blue eyes. Breathe, just breathe she silently repeated to herself. It seemed to be working, and she raised her glance to the sympathetic Ferret.

“It will become clearer, the longer you search,” Fedora stated.

“But I have been searching for a long time.”

“And what have you found?”

Lillian stared into the animal’s black eyes, hoping to find an answer in their depths. But they were searching, too. The clock filled up the silence with its tick-tocks of reality. Time was passing ever so quickly. She shook her long hair, a tear piercing her cheek.

“Nothing and nobody.” The lost girl whispered.

------------------
It is still raw, and I haven't edited much..
but let me know what you think anyways!
And yes, its supposed to be slightly confusing..

In Retrospect

2010-09-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

The last post I journaled while I was enjoying God's beauty and thinking on my summer. It may have made sense to a few of you.. but I feel like a little explanation will help understand my parables...
I had a very hard transition coming from UIS. I had an amazing group of friends, boyfriend and a campus ministry that I didn't realize I would miss so much, until it was all gone. I hated going back home, and I hated deciding to stay there longer. But I wanted to be there for my parents and help them in their time of need. It was my time to return the favor.
I hated going back.
But I love that i did.
Most of the time, 95% of it, I felt useless- like my life had no worth. I missed small groups and meaningful conversations, coffee shops, and just being close to friends. But being at home taught me yet another lesson about love. My parents told me and still tell me that it meant the world to them that I was there while mom was out of commission.
And now... I know that it changed me, too. I grew more respectful and matured while I was there. I now have a better relationship with my parents that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I saw them when they needed me, for once. Their guard down, and relying on me. It was hard for me to talk about God deeply with them.. but I did bring Him up in conversation and I always wondered if it made a difference. It may have, but I think my actions spoke louder, even if inside I was restless.

I had a small breakthrough with my dad that makes me smile, even as I type this. It was a breakthrough in the form of C.S. Lewis. My dad is a very formal, intelligent man.. and his library consists of history books and biographies that are strictly factual. I don't know if he has ever read a fiction book to save his life. And I also know he doesn't really read faith-based books, or at least none that I have seen. So I thought I would take a chance, and I purchased Mere Christianity for him. Apparently, he devoured the book and loved Lewis' writing. I figured he would. But it elated me to no end. Finally, something we could relate to!
I had kind of forgotten about it until last week when my parents came to Springfield to visit me. My dad wanted to stop in Barnes and Noble for a book, so we waited in the car for him. Out he came, a history book in one hand.. and in the other a compilation of 5-6 stories by C.S. Lewis. I could have cried if I was the type of person who cried (often). I know many of you won't understand the excitement I have about a silly book.. but some of you who know me, know this is a big deal. And I had to share it... so praise God!

And now, as I go through yet another transition- adjusting to a different household and "parental figures", I look back and am thankful for my summer. It wasn't what I had planned or hoped for, but it was exactly what God had in mind.

And who can argue with that?

A strong wind (From this season in my life)

2010-09-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

As the hair whips across my face making small tangles from a breeze, I smile at the early signs of fall. Being in the country surrounded by flat farmland allows the wind to be wild and free. She has no restraints as she races through the open planes.
Some days, I am like the wind.
I usually long for community, structure, responsibility... but other days I desire freedom and openness, not having to explain yourself to people. How strong and beautiful she is in the open land...she grows subdued, even weak, when buildings of worldliness slow her rhythmical pace.
She can barely whisper in this place.
But her Creator knows her soul, her untamed heart that longs to be with Him.
He tells her,
"Just wait. Sometimes your feet will run fast and your laugh will knock down buildings. your heart will overflow with joyful celebration.
But other times, my love, you will wait and practice the patience I have given you through my Spirit. Your wind will calm, but will stir someone's heart towards me in its peaceful state. You won't be worthless, contrary to belief, your life will still have meaning though your eyes are not big enough to see. You only know the now. Even your past begins drifting to gray.
But I, my child, I see things you cannot understand. I see your now, your past and what is to come- it coincides like a painting. There was a beginning and an end, but I see the whole masterpiece finished.. only I knowing which brushstroke happened first.. And only I can see it fully done and also in the making... at the same time.. Do not try to understand My sight, it is too heavy for you my darling. And because I love you, I only gave you the weight of today to work through. I see that you will laugh tomorrow, cry Thursday and fall on your knees on Saturday... And I love every day of you. Whether your wind blazes through valleys of adventure and transformation or it is a faint breath of waiting, today is yours.
It is a gift.
A gift I am allowing you to unwrap one minute at a time.
And how happy I am when you peel back the wrapping and choose to see my face there. When you choose me no matter the joy or pain or apathy you feel. I am more real than feelings. I am more than them because I created them, and I am Lord, God of all creation. Who knows all, yet loves you enough to allow you to choose me daily. Find peace in this, my daughter. Find me in your every day. I am waiting for you. Just say the word..."
She hears the soft love song, from the God of the universe whose heart is broken every minute by every human he has created. He doesn't respond in anger, but responds in love.
She has cheated on her God countless times, ignored Him, laughed in His face... She doesn't deserve such a perfect love. She realizes she would give up any happiness she has known for Him, but He doesn't ask her to suffer- to pay for the crimes she has committed.
"I did that already, through my Son's blood. Do you not remember?
My love is deeper than religion,
stronger than law,
larger than sin,
bigger than your unfaithfulness.
And it is free."
And then the wind caught fire within her heart, swirling madly through her veins and into her soul.
Her smile returns, she remembers the sacrifice of Jesus, and she closes her eyes to imagine such a wreckless and immense love.
She can't.
It is too unfathomable,
too beautiful...
As wild and great as the strong winds that never seem to cease blowing through the plains of her heart.

Tuesday's Treasures

2010-08-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted this week.. and obviously really behind on my treasures.. I just got my internet to work at my aunt's house tonight.. so needless to say.. I haven't had much time to look at things I like.. Though I have a new love-hate relationship with the sunrise.. it rises right into my window and I don't have shades up yet.. so it wakes me up around 6-7ish every morning.. but its beautiful.. so here are a few other things that make me smile...

I love this JJ Heller shirt..

I have been seeing more and more of these Cowls and I must admit, I love the idea of them.. scarves fall off too easily..aparentally cowls have no beginning and end.. its like a big floofy, knitted necklace.. and they would keep me warm in the winter.. here is one on etsy.. This one is out of my price range.. but cute to look at and get inspired by for all you knitters! In your opinion..Do you like scarves or cowls better?

So my boyfriend and I bought our first joint-account item.... *drumroll please*...

Yup, we bought it.. and its AMAAAAZING..

Have a great rest of your weeks!

Our State Fair is a Great State Fair

2010-08-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to the Illinois State Fair. I haven't walked around the fair since I was a little kid (last year I just went to a concert) and it was crazy and a little nostalgic to see things that I had stored away in my memory that were released before my eyes. One building I went in I was like.. "Oh my gosh.. I remember this place!" It was a strange experience.. but we had a lot of fun even though it was hot and my feet hurt. Here are some pictures I took...

I saw Felicia Olin's art!

gross, chocolate covered bacon..

more on my flickr!
Have you gone to a fair recently? Tell me about an interesting food you ate!

Tuesdays Treasures

2010-08-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hello all 2 of my blog readers!
I can't believe in two days I will be moving out of my parent's home.. hopefully for the last time! If you don't know.. I just graduated from college with a bachelor in Visual Arts in the Spring. I am moving outside of Springfield so I can commute there and find a part-time job while still doing my photography business and painting business. I am living with my aunt and uncle for free.. so unfortunately I won't be "on my own" yet.. but with no income, it is a smart move and I hope to move out of there in a couple of months. It will be nice to not have to answer to anyone or get permission to do something in my own home. Anyways, its time for my weekly "favorites".. so here we go!

Henna Tattoos, please?.. I know I can get the cheap stuff at Michaels or other craft stores.. I guess that would be a good place to start. Its so beautiful, and stays on longer than a sharpie, but not as long as a real tattoo.. sounds perfect.. and I love browns!
I have been following this blog for a little bit.. and I absolutely love the color of this girl's hair.. I don't think I want to go that red.. but it has inspired me to want to try red again. With my darker hair.. it will look more purply/burgundy/brown/red.. but I think it will look really good with my longer hair. I only had it done with my short hair. So here's to Kaelah for her inspiration.. ps.. I still want a blonde streak.. I haven't forgotten.. Here is a picture of Kaelah and her awesome hair. :)

Ever since getting back into photography, I have been addicted to other wedding/photography blogs. Amanda got me hooked on Ruffled... and you can see why... Blogs like these really have inspired me to be creative and find what kind of style I love...

The last thing for today is my slight obsession with baking/cooking lately.. my amazingly awesome boyfriend's birthday is the 30th.. and he is having a get together at Buffalo Wild Wings.. but I really wanted to bake him something. I will be in the process of moving and I can't really surprise him with anything.. so I'm hoping he will be okay if I make cupcakes or a cake at his house. I love chai cupcakes.. and hopefully we can make those... I just found this blog while browsing Chai cupcakes.. so hopefully we can try this, this weekend!

I hope everyone has an amazing rest of their week! Please keep me in your prayers as I pack tomorrow and head to a different house Thursday! I am 80% excited and 20% wary... but I hope it turns out to be a great temporary situation!

God bless,

Love a Book by its Pages

2010-08-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I find the people I have the least patience with are the people who judge a book by its cover. We all make judgments by the first thing we see, that is something we can't control. but what we can control is how we deal with that judgment. Do we hold on to it and let it control how we act towards the person? Or do we ignore it the best we can and get to know them? Do we look down on them because they are different? I had this "discussion" with my dad at lunch yesterday, after he kept trying to persuade me with amounts of money to take out my nose stud and leave it out. I understand he doesn't like them, he is very conservative and as a kid he was embedded with the image of being clean cut, and he has all his life. I really can't blame him, its his opinion. But its so strange how society claims a right to know what is "good" and what is "bad". How are earrings socially accepted in any career, yet a little nose stud isn't? Some strict, conservative christians look down on nose studs or tattoos (I looked down on tattoos at one time too.. being from a conservative home)... but how are they any different from ear piercings? If I am in the wrong for a tattoo (no, I don't have one).. then my grandma, mom, aunts, cousins, etc. are in the wrong for piercings.. I don't think the bible differentiates between the two. But America does, and so that becomes our standard for living.

Do we do that with other things? Does the bible call us to live cushy lives in retirement when we are older? Or is that America's view? Can women really cut their hair? Can Christians really drink?

I know there are a lot of things that the bible says is wrong, and I think we should decide upon these things in our own personal lives (and no one else's). If I don't want a tattoo, it doesn't mean I'm against anyone else getting one. If I have a drink every once in awhile, it doesn't mean I make fun of people who don't drink. Its not about what is right and wrong.. its about following Christ. He is the ultimate goodness.. and the more we follow Him and become more in sync with his ways... we become less like the world.. and the rules of the world do not matter to our spiritual walks.

I feel like the months ahead I may be hit with a lot of conservative thoughts. And I pray I can control my mouth. I just want to say.. "Did Jesus ever condemn anyone, unless they were hypocrites? Through all the stories in Jesus' life, I feel like He became one of the people... But He didn't keep tabs on wrongs, He noticed how people served one another and how much they loved each other. I love when the prostitute is about ready to be stoned to death.. and He tells the men that they can cast a stone if they are free from sin as well (I paraphrase). I like this because it tells me that Jesus is not happy this woman is a sinner, but he knows we all are.. so why in the world, are we throwing rocks at one person? I don't think God views our sins in categories. He views us all as beautiful, amazing creations that have a human baggage called sin. A disgusting thing that His son has taken from us. When we accept that, we die to that old life. We no longer live in a world where we count up our sins and feel a heavy guilt.. or compare and contrast with how other's are living.. no.. no.. no.. we live for Christ. Not for America, not for this world. But we live for the people in this America. In this world. The people who have no hope and are at a dead end. We don't condemn them for something silly like a tattoo or drinking problem. We embrace them because we are free from law, and they can be free from guilt too.

Reading Ragamuffin Gospel has been a great reminder of this. We are all sinners. Its more dangerous to be a legalistic christian than a person who doesn't know God. Arrogance, manipulation and hypocrisy are sure ways that a person tries to play God.. and fails miserably, because we don't have the insight, love, beauty, power or gentleness that He does. We have only seen the tip of the iceberg of what He can do. Why are we arrogant enough to think we can control or dictate how another person should be acting, wearing, doing, saying? We love them... we don't talk at them.

This is me talking to me, more than it is me talking to you my blogger readers. I have committed this sin without even realizing it. My arrogance had me awake for nights upon nights. I became the person I most despised. And I hope to remember that for the rest of my life, so I don't do it again.

Also, I am sick of president-bashing. This man has the hardest job on the planet, and we find any and every little tiny mistake he has made and rip him apart. With Bush he was slow, talked funny, had big ears and sent us to war.. with Obama people are trying to say he is Muslim. Hey America, get off your high horse. I don't care who you voted for, the bible strictly says to PRAY for the person who is in charge.. don't complain about them. What good will that do besides making yourself a hypocrite? because you sin, too. How do we expect change if we aren't praying for it, and praying for him?

With all that said... discernment, obedience, loyalty and love for our Father is a must. I must discern every situation I am in.. am I being loving towards my Father through my actions? I ask myself this 20-50 times a day. I ask the Spirit, and the Spirit moves me. it doesn't take me long to realize what is wrong or right.. because God is within my soul. Though it is not our job to judge others, we must still hold ourselves and our brothers and sisters of the faith accountable. I hope I am always held accountable by my friends and family...I need it.
The cover of my book may look good enough on the outside.. but I have the same ripped and worn pages as every other person in this world. And for this reason, we must love one another.
There is no room for judgment.

-Emily

side note: I apologize for not having any bible verses in my post.. it is late and I am half-asleep.. and I don't even know where to begin for some of the bible stories I mentioned.. if you know them.. please leave it in the comments...

Tuesday's Treasures

2010-08-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, this tuesday post is on Wednesday, again.. I seem to be really bad with schedules... Anyways.. here are my favorites for this week..

I think this Flower Headband is adorable.. Hint hint, Amanda :)
Speaking of flowers, one of my faovrites is Chickory.. and I get to see it a lot being back home and taking walks in the country. I love that the most beautiful of flowers are the untamed and wild...
So yesterday/today I downloaded 12 different artists from noisetrade. If you haven't heard of this site.. it kind of changed my music world (thanks Dave and Linds for introducing me). A couple of musicians decided that people deserve free music, and they wanted to share it.. so all you do is go on the website, pick some people you want to download.. share it on fb or twitter or email (this is now optional) and then they send you the downloads.. Most bands are not popular and I love going on there to get music that the radio doesn't know about.. Lately I have been into chill, acoustic musicians, and I love the fact that these people aren't famous.. Check it out, it may change your music world as well!
This weekend I am going to the Illinois State Fair.. I am super excited and one of my goals is to get some old-fashioned looking pictures of food vendors and rides and such.. it will be my first photo shoot at a fair. I am pretty excited! I am also excited for the Cheese on a Stick.. its like a corndog.. but with cheese instead of a dog.. its glorious!

Thats all I have time for (finishing a couple paintings tonight)
Have a great week and weekend!
God bless, Em

A Worn Gaze of Knowing

2010-08-16T17:30:00.001-07:00

It begins like an early morning rise,
tense
full of expectations
a promise of hope...
My feet find a rythm with the pedals
and I am one with the two wheeled machine.
breath quickens as wind pours over my body
and through my hair like a cool glass of water
quenching every thirst my muscles ache for.
I close my eyes as long as I can
the fear of losing control invigorating me...
urging me to go longer,
but I open them taking in the safely paved road.
A hill applies pressure to my knees and calves and
they work together to bring me to the top
little beads of sweat popping from my forehead
cooling my body down, heart beating inside my ears.
I breathe and the wind, now, pours down my throat
I can taste the wildflowers and sunset.
A blue bodied dragonfly glistens near my face
and finds his way back to his playground in the field
joining the rest of his brother's.
I reach the old, gnarled tree that emits an eerie beauty
and stop under its watch.
I am still.
insects and birds begin to speak,
and I, actually begin to listen.
They are calling to their lovers
and to their babies.
joyful tweets and echoes of belonging.
Here,
this world,
is not full of gossip
or backstabbing.
No worries of wealth
or clothing.
No thoughts of revenge
or murder.
I consider the birds of the earth.
I consider my Creator.
How beautiful it is to come here.
The peace settles in my bones
like a bird nesting its young.
My eyes water as they meet the horizon's glare
as she stares back at me with intense depth.
The knowing eyes of a loved one in their death bed.
The eyes that have seen much and regret nothing.
Who has no more worries about tomorrow nor materialism.
the sun meets me with contentment I often forget, and I
smile and nod at her. I know. I know.
I sigh and bring my foot to pedal once more,
Not wanting to hurry back, yet the downhill ride brings
me back much quicker then expected.
A small falcon races me from power line to power line.
resting his wings on every other cable.
Watching me with curiosity until he loses interest
and flies off to make a kill.
My tires follow the road to our paved driveway,
and so does something else.
As I return my bicycle I look to the horizon.
She has found me with her worn gaze.
And I have found hers, with mine.

Tuesday's Treasures

2010-08-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I have been in South Dakota with JB and his family for a friend's wedding... and it has been a whirlwind of meeting new people and traveling on the road. I have always loved roadtrips, the way scenery changes before your eyes when you go to new places.. it is like a whole other chapter of the world opens up to you, and you read a little more about creation. You are that much wiser about the world.

While we were there, in Aberdeen, SD, we went to Story Book Land... which was oh so magical for me and all the other little 7-year-olds there.
I have wanted a bunny for a very long time and I saw these little guys on Etsy... Definitely more travel-friendly and easier to manage than a real one.

I have been reading Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and it is really speaking to me. It has been convicting and humbling.. and I am only on page 80 something. I hope to finish the rest soon. Check it out if you need a good read about being humbled before God and loving well.

I have been wanting to do the whole Take 1 picture for a year, deal.. but then I came across Evoke: Creative Evangelistic Ministries online, and they had an even better idea. A group of people are going to be doing one painting every day... for 365 days. That.. is a great idea. I can't wait till Jan 1st to start!(ps. This is my favorite painting I did this summer)

I have ate unhealthy for way too long and with several blogging friends trying out new healthy recipes and new green smoothies and fruit smoothies.. I decided to try it as well! For the next two weeks I will be cooking for my mom who can't have any hard foods because of her surgery, and so this will be a perfect time to experiment with them! I got inspired by Stacy's blog and her raw diet.. and though I am not going as extreme.. I will eventually work up to the green smoothie.. I am a fruity-type smoothie person and the greens scares me. BUT, I made a fruit smoothie today and added some lettuce in it, and couldn't taste it.. Baby steps, right? Here is a picture of her beautiful concoction... mine is much more blue :) (I love blueberries, what can I say?)

Hope you are all enjoying this wonderful day we have been given!
God bless,
Em

When Demons are Ignored

2010-08-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

As I was browsing on facebook, my life ticking by with no enhancement from the computer screen, I came across a young girl who claimed to be Wiccan. Wicca is such a foreign word to me, and I instantly think of darkness and satan and goth when I see this word. Last year I would have ignored this, but some reason tonight I was interested to see exactly what this girl believed in. She had a link to a website explaining why she was this "religion", and so I decided to investigate and read about it... In order to know what I believe in and to know more about my faith.. I like to learn about other religions..
As I read I was confused and frustrated by what I found. Confused because wiccans believe in positive and non-evil solutions..( actually, more positive than I thought). They believe they have a certain power to change the world and use white magic, rather than black magic. They don't use any drugs, nor any animal sacrifices... they don't do anything illegal or really anything immoral. Which kind of caught me off guard and surprised me.

But then my jaw dropped a little when it said Wiccans do not believe in demons nor satan. This. This is the scary part. As a Christian, I think the most important thing to believe is that Jesus is God and He died for us because He loved us. Without his sacrifice, we would all have a fate in hell. This is what I hold so tightly in my heart and this will never be shaken. I also believe in satan. I believe he fell from heaven and God damned him to hell with his followers, demons, and they still torment humans... A spiritual warfare swirls and interweaves around us every day. Satan lured Adam and Eve to the first sin. They didn't know evil, they were oblivious to darkness. I wonder if they even had discernment in the area of satan? How could they? life had been perfect up until then.

Now, our world is fallen. Non-believers look in on Christians and think we are goody-goodys and are oblivious to reality. Except, to be a christian and believe in heaven, we must also believe there is a hell. We must also believe there are demons that can prey on us like a wolf stalks a sheep who has willingly gone astray. We are not oblivious to evil. Christianity is the celebration of light trumping darkness, Jesus dying to allow us to live. Who in their right mind would believe this kind of thing if they just wanted to play it safe?

As I read the description of the Wicca religion that was based on this sight I felt fear for every person who doesn't acknowledge the evil presence in the world, and uses "white magic" to do "good". Satan is the ultimate deceiver. He disguised himself as a snake in the Garden of Eden to seduce Eve to taste the sweetness of the apple, to become knowledgeable like God. He implanted lies in our weak, self-concious minds from that very day... and with our sin it has only twisted its way through our life sprouting insecurities, hate, greed, violence, lust... and... even ignorance. Satan's ultimate mask is a mask that is translucent. You believe he is not even there. You mistake his evil followers for beautiful light.

This idea kind of reminds me of Phantom of the Opera... when a girl is in awe of a being that she believes is an angel, her Angel of Music... and she only finds out it is a phantom, a dirty old man who wants to seduce and steal all of her. She sees his truth at the end, and we see the destruction he does to her life. This is the same thing if we believe there is no darkness in the world, if we are oblivious and not on our guard.

The last parragraph of the site surprised me even more however, because it apparently had been written in a Christian viewpoint.. it reads...:

The tragedy here is that because wiccans don’t believe in the devil, they are oblivious to the destructive power that they are actually tapping into. They are unaware that the “power of nature” that they believe they are summoning for good is actually a clever deception – and that what they are really tapping into is the power of deceiving demons, who appear as light, but ultimately show their true evil dark natures and try to destroy those who have unbeknowingly called upon them.
There really is an invisible world out there. There are supernatural forces of good and evil at play behind the scenes, and the Bible reveals to us what these forces really are.

I don't write this to poke fun, I write this with urgency and a somberness. No matter what your religion is, if you don't believe there is a satan or demons.. you will be deceived. There are people out there searching for a way to be free from evil, and the answer is not to merely ignore it.. but to not acknowledge it. To see it for what it is. It is here. It is in a pulled trigger, a hateful comment, a train wreck, a break-up. Evil has ruined the very world we live in, but God's grace has saved us from groveling in its darkness. A hope brighter than the sun fills our heart. We don't have to be afraid of it and live in the shadows.. we embrace the goodness of God and with His Spirit we are free from evil.

I am so thankful I can believe in satan and demons, and I have a God big enough that I never have to fear evil. It would be a scary world without that faith...(Psalm 23)

Tuesdays Treasures

2010-08-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the hottest days of the year and so lounging on the couch with JB and his brother Robert while watching The Office Season 5 is a great end to an uncomfortable, stuffy day. Which also means its time to find some treasures...

As some of you know, I love unique coffee mugs and I saw these lens mugs a couple weeks ago... check 'em at photojojo

Yesterday, Jonathan and I went to fall creek.. a beautiful little place hid away in Illinois. This is an old picture I took a couple years ago, but I will put the new pics up soon...

I love Dustin Kensrue's music.. and Ravens.. so this shirt makes me smile.

I saw Felicia Olin's show at UIS last semester and I loved her artwork and inspired some work of my own. I love her surreal and whimsy style.

I came across this video the other day, loved it, then realized that I already had it, and got it free on noisetrade. What a cool suprise. Thanks Noisetrade and thanks Tim Halperin...

Have a great rest of your week!

Tuesday's Treasures (Wed Edition)

2010-07-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was preoccupied of getting ready for Jonathan to come home. I was so nervous and excited that I couldn't sit still long enough to write about my findings... but now, I am a little more peaceful to share my list! Also, another update with my life.. I am moving! I will be moving closer to the Springfield area so I can pursue a job there (while struggling with photography) be close to church, friends and JB.. I am excited :)

The first thing that I have been keen on lately are big, bold yet simple vintage earrings. I found these pairs of earrings at a local thrift store and they were only 50 cents a piece... you can't beat that!

Lately I have been a huge fan of baking. I love putting a bunch of ingredients together and seeing them transform and work together to create a work of art. I'm not a huge sweets fan (unless it is laced in peanut butter) so fortunately, by the time I am done baking I don't feel like eating the done product.. which is good for my health and good for my family who want to devour them. My latest purchase was a large muffin tin that I found at Hobby Lobby.. it was the cheapest and largest one I could find and it is by Wilton.. I have made strawberry cream cheese, and banana muffins already.. Mmmm..

With the humidity as it is now, I have been dreaming a lot about Colorado and why I love it there so much. With its cool summers, beautiful mountains and sunny skies, its no wonder I am drooling over the thought of such a place. I went to Estes Park and fell in love when I was in high school, but I think I would fit in more in a place such as Colorado Springs and there I could be a hippie artist and own a Subaru.

I have been overloaded with snail mail lately and I adore it! My boyfriend and I have been writing letters back and forth and it feels so old fashioned and romantic to get a hand-written letter. Also, I got my first letter from my penpal from Cali yesterday. Unfortuantely, I have been too busy to respond.. but I am super excited to be writing letters, and getting to know people more in depth in the process.

So the most inspiring and beautiful time of day to me is the sunrise. I don't see it very often (thankfully) but when I do it makes me smile and fills me with warmth. It is a sign that God has given us one more day to live out on this earth, and it makes me feel like that day is precious... a new beginning! If all pans out right, JB and I are going to wake early enough to watch the sunrise for our 8 month anniversary on Thursday (yes, we celebrate months!). I hope its the most beautiful one, yet! (I took this pic of my friend Aby last year.. and this is where I want to take him!)

Have a great rest of your week everyone! And remember to notice the wonders around you...

God bless, Em

A Love That Is Grown

2010-07-26T14:38:00.001-07:00

When it comes to love and romance, I am a very skeptical person. I think the term "falling in love" is the worse quote ever said. This is implied that people plummet head first into something that they don't think about.
Unfortunately,this is the case for most people. And the media portrays this in movies.. "I have only known her one day, three days, a week..and I am in love!" No, you are in lust.
Yes, there is a sort of excitement and attraction you get when you first meet a person. Where is the joy in dating or courting or engagements or marriage if that wasn't true.
But personally, I decided that I would stop "falling" for guys who didn't match up with my personality, my interests, and most importantly... my faith. I do think anyone, when given enough intimate time with someone, can begin falling in love with someone if their head is in the wrong place. So why allow that to happen until its too hard to get out of that relationship? Be on guard.
I know a friend who has been dating her boyfriend for so long that she picks the comfort of "sameness" over what is best for her. I was the same way, and I chose the comfort of sameness for so long that it brought my soul to a breaking point. Why do we women settle? Do we not think we can do better? Don't we know what it says in the bible about women? Our creator views us as precious creatures, so precious that our husbands are willing to die for us out of pure love. To love us as Christ loved the church. That is how worth it we are. (read Eph5:25-33 if you don't believe me)

However, my skepticism reached a point where I hated love altogether. I saw some marriages who were true to the Lord, and I knew I wouldn't settle again.
Then I met Jonathan and the cold stone that had covered my heart began to chip away. God allowed an amazing man to enter my life, and enter my heart.

The last 8 months have been a time of joy, struggle, tears, faith, laughter, sacrifice and commitment. Jonathan and I have learned what it means to follow Christ in a relationship and not put our own desires ahead of Him. Yes, it is hard to be single, but I will admit it is even tougher to be dating and be accountable for your actions and the other person's as well.

I just finished the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell and it was a good reminder of how to love one another. One of the things he pointed out, is that we aren't to go into a relationship with a believer and hold him on a pedestal and say.. "if only he did this, or this, and this..." instead we are to already see him as the man God has created him to be, and love him for that. There is so much depth and hard work in love. It isn't about meeting someone for a day and "falling in love" and once the happy feeling is gone, you move on to someone else. I get so angry when I hear people divorce because they fell out of love... What does that mean? People grow, they are not stone tablets. They are flourishing flowers that are complex and constantly struggling or rejoicing in something new. We grow with one another, we learn.. we don't stop loving because something changes. I know I am not married yet, so I have much more to learn about love. I don't say all this stuff because I have "arrived" but because I have grown and learned already. I love Timothy, because he was young and Paul tells him "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." (1 Tim4:12)... I have always liked that sentence.

The whole point of this blog was to express the blessing I have been given in Jonathan Andrew Barnett. I may be being overly sentimental because I will finally see him tomorrow after two long months, but I don't care. People, including me, blog their problems all too often, and they never share what brings joy in their life.

This man has entered a place in my heart that I never knew a human could go. His love for me, his sacrifices, his commitment, his dedication, his growth in God and in our relationship has nourished a love that started out as a tiny seed called attraction. As God in our center, it has been tougher and more revealing, more selfless.. but the reward is hard to express in words. I look at him and feel a love that only a Creator can give two people. It's as if God has ordained this relationship and said, "now that you have agreed to serve me in this, I will bless you with such joy in it." I have this respect and awe for him that has only grown since we met. Every hurdle we tackle and every prayer we lift up for one another grows us closer to our Lord and to one another.

How did I ever think a relationship without God was close to fulfillment? I would have missed out on the best thing in the world. My settling tore my Father's heart and stopped my growth as a Jesus follower and as a person in general. Its kind of funny that people use the term, "Settling down" when you start a family.. I can only imagine it will blossom and grow immensely if you are planted in God.

Needless to say, I am blessed, humbled, and thankful.
And I am overtly excited to lock eyes with my boyfriend tomorrow in the airport, and let that familiar feeling of a grown love wash over me.

My Mother the Artist

2010-07-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today I spent most of my day cleaning my room in preparation for my aunt Vicki and Janis (my mom's two sisters) and Grammy coming to stay with us this weekend. I unpacked my bags and hung up clothes, which was weird to me. I feel like most of them will be back in bags next week, anyways.. but we must appear put together I suppose. I'm glad I cleaned though, because i feel like I have accomplished something.. I even found a new way to display my old cameras...

I also took some cute pictures of my puppies as they were taking their afternoon nap.. and they were in their cuddly stage...

I then went outside and got the Schwinn bike I have been riding when I am at home. It is my mom's bike, but she can't ride it anymore with her back, so I get to use it. I have always been amazed at how my mom can grow such beauty in our backyard. Seriously, it is an art form of its own, and so much hard work. I don't think I have enough patience to deal with a garden.. instead I will grow weeds.. they need a place to live, too.. right? These pics are not of my future weed garden.. this is my mom's artwork..

God Bless,
Em

bike rides and sunshine

2010-07-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

I painted this today... along with riding my bike in the country.. for that brief period when the clouds parted, the rain stopped and the humidity hadn't reached my skin yet. It was beautiful and I smiled as I rode my bike... until I moved my glasses and about ripped my nose stud out. Then I cried a little. But after wards, I started peddling again and the smile returned.

Under Fire

2010-07-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are totally on the defense and having to explain yourself to someone? It can be about anything in your life (job, relationships, living situation, hobby, friendships, choices, etc)... and the way this person asks you feels like they are just digging in deep to make you feel a different way. To change your mind about what you have decided.
I may be being dramatic.. but I dread hanging out with this person because of that. Its no fun to constantly be under fire. How do I be a friend amongst this...

How do you deal with it?

Monday Favorites

2010-07-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

When I came home today I was immediately greeted by my puppies and I realized how much I love being welcomed with thousands of kisses.. So my first favorite thing will be puppies and puppy kisses.

Jonathan introduced me to this band.. and I listened to them today for the first time.. and I really like them.. meet, Daphne Loves Derby, two on my list! listen to them on purevolume: http://www.purevolume.com/daphnelovesderby

I started watching the TV show Pushing Daisies, because someone recommended it on another blog. I am on Episode 3 in the first season. It is definitely different from any other tv show i have ever seen. I mean, the main character can bring people back to life (with consequences)...so you know its an interesting show just with that. I also like Chuck (the girl in the yellow) and her outfits. Its like a happy Tim Burton show.

I have been eating Spinach leaves like they are going out of style lately.. I love their green-ness.. I don't have to worry about hard white edges like in iceberg lettuce. Thank you God for giving variety in veggies! (This is a meal I made the other night!)

While my nose still heals, I have been browsing different styles of nose studs, and came across this cute one on etsy! It made my number five...

Hope everyone has an amazing week, and enjoy the creations whether by God or man, that is all around you! We are a creative bunch...
In Christ,
Em
ps.. (I need a creative title for this weekly list.. and I used up all of my creativeness in the blog.. soo.. help?)
I thought about doing it on Tuesdays.. then I could call it Tuesday's Treasures..?

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2010-07-19T16:48:00.001-07:00

Besides getting new glasses I want to incorporate a little smidgen more change in my life... I have been looking at other neat blogs, (some are on the side) and getting inspired by how creative they are. I still want to write my thoughts, but I also want to incorporate a more fun and creativeness to this blog as well.. So, hopefully as time progresses I can add some more flava.. and not just long, thought-provoking blogs... One thing I want to do is everyweek.. I want to name 5 things that have either brought joy to my life or I think is fun/neat/or I want it.. I don't want it to be a "wish list" and marvel in materialism.. But God wants us to enjoy the world.. and so every Monday I will list 5 things that I have enjoyed/want to enjoy more! It could be a book/movie/nature/shirt/person/song/story/painting/photograph.. etc.. and hopefully you will start appreciating the little things we take for granted every day, too...
I will start today!

In Christ,
Em

Like a Thief in the Night

2010-07-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

It was beginning to get dark when the awful mario brothers song thundered through the house, which meant the doorbell had been rung. A combination of horror films, my mother, the news, and my own naivety of "city" life has given me a slight complex about answering the door when I am home alone. Whoever invented peep-holes is a brilliant person, or maybe, they have a slight complex as well.
When I answered the door I was greeted by a tall, white skinny kid who was probably in his highschool years. Husker came out and I held the large dog back as the bare-chested kid asked me if I had a gas can.
"Uhhmm, no, I am dog-sitting and I don't think they have one. Sorry"
"Okay" As he walked away I saw a white/silver car with two other shirtless guys in the front seats. He got in, and they drove off. I was a little confused at why they needed a gas can if their car was fine. And if they didn't need it for their car, they could have used their car to go buy one at Walmart. I locked the door behind me and a sense of slight fear began to rise in my chest. I knew Amanda was coming over and I tried preparing myself for her arrival, for that knock on the door, that I hoped wouldn't be the boys coming back. Why did I tell them I was dog sitting? Now they know I'm alone! I kept thinking. I shut the shades and sat on the couch, texting JB my worries. I knew they were up to something, but I didn't want to be that person who jumped to conclusions about teenagers.
Amanda got to the house and I told her my anxiety about the boys and that I was scared they were going to return. A suspicious car had shown up in front of the house and I assumed they were back... which sent a shiver up my spine. (I found out later it was a different white car, and a neighbor had a friend over... right then would have been a great time to know the difference in car models!)
As we began to forget about the boys and I made a close to successful banana bread the mario brothers theme song jolted my heart as it echoed through the house once again. It was completely dark now, and I just stared at Amanda.
"Go answer the door!" she said..
"Heck no! Its probably the boys again. I'm scared!"
"Go answer it, its probably not them."
"You!"
"No, you. I'll be right behind you!"
I contemplated grabbing a knife off the counter, but didn't want to appear too ridiculous. I walked to the door and opened it slowly. No one was there.
But someone was walking away, and I saw cars with lights on down the street.
Oh no. Something did happen.
"Hi" the woman had turned around and came back to me, "I live down the street and my house was broken into. They stole our computers and wii and money and maybe my jewelry. Did you see anything suspicious?"
"Oh my gosh. Yes, I did." and I proceeded to tell her about the boys.
"Are you willing to tell the policemen?" she asked with hope.
"Of course, let me get my shoes on."

The next few hours I was in a daze and in slight shock at what had just happened so close to "home". I had looked into these boy's faces, these burglars, just a few hours before committing their crime. The policemen said this is how they work. They go door to door searching out homes that have no one there, and then they strike.

I have seen thiefs on the news and in the movies. I felt like I had protected the house well, and I'm sure the neighbor felt like she had as well. But they had broken in.. a thief in the night. We know it can happen any time, but when it happens, it is a huge shock. I felt for the neighbor and the fright it would have cost. I'm sure the computers were no match for the unsafe feeling of sleeping in that house that night. The strange feeling in the pit of her stomach knowing she was robbed in an instant.

I kept thinking about this today, a mixture of feeling sorry for the lady and then the kids who obviously were hurting psychologically somehow, enough to do something so serious. And the word thief kept repeating in my mind. Didn't the bible state something about how Jesus' return would be like a thief in the night? And so I plopped on the couch and opened my bible and found these two verses.

"Now brothers about times and dates we do not need to write to you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "Peace and safety", destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape." 1 thessalonians 5:1-3

"Behold, I come like a thief! Blessed is he who stays awake and keeps his clothes with him, so that he may not go naked and be shamefully exposed." Revelation 16:15

It is crazy to imagine Jesus coming back like a thief. We all know it can happen any day. Any night. But are we prepared? Will we be in shock and caught off guard when He gets here? Or will we (figuratively) come back to a robbed home? I can't shake the imagery of what could have happened to me, and what happened to the neighbors. How real it makes it. How vivid life smells after something like that. And how real Jesus' return will be.

Are we ready and prepared for that day that no one on this earth knows about?
Because unlike the teen boys, I don't think God will give us any warning signs.
He has plenty of "gas cans" in heaven...

Missional Artistry

2010-07-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

As a handful of you know, I have another blog that is my picture and random blog on tumblr. Lately I have been searching blogs who posted things about Dustin Kensrue, wanting to know more about his tour dates and music, etc...
Kensrue's album revolves around Christianity. Granted, I don't know everything about his life, but his songs are obviously about specific bible stories/vrs, faith, Jesus, etc. It is plain and out there. But his style is so raw, and as I was encountering these blogs of Dustin addicts on tumblr, I was a little shocked that most of them were not Christians, actually, none that I saw were practicing Jesus-followers.
It kind of took me off guard.

Why would they love an artist and a band (thrice) who were so openly out there about God? I don't see an atheist marching around with a Casting Crowns t-shirt. (I wouldn't even do that, actually). But its something about this guy's music that is raw and true and heartfelt. Its something about his musical ability and voice that can draw a crowd because of his gift.... and then introduce them to Jesus through his music. People that have no hope, finding hope in a song about how being floozy and drinking all the time isn't the way to go. Or one of my personal favorite lines.. "maybe music television really is the devil after all".

Seeing this is inspiring. I was introduced to good ole' Dustin my freshman year of college and have latched onto his music since then. JB has recently got me hooked on thrice (his band) which is just as popular in the "secular" world. And its inspiring, because though I do admire christian artists who sing worship music and sing to adoring fans who love Jesus... What about Chrisitan artists who sing to a room of mixed atheists, christians and agnostics?

That, that would be terrifying.
But that is some missional artistry, my friends.

Thrice-Moving Mountains

Dustin Kensrue- I Knew You Before

Enjoy! Let me know what you think of him, and your ideas on this topic in general..
God Bless

Catching your Foot on a Hurdle

2010-07-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between the furry sitting jobs and a car that has become the only form of material stability and possibly the only home I've had for the past few months, I realize that I am ready to have my own place.

I am exhausted.

I actually don't even mind living out of a bag (when I am at my parents home I still live out of my bag because I only stay there for a few short days then I am off to the next temporary residency). Its just the tiredness you begin to feel deep in your heart, that can only be answered by a bed and a room of your own. A kitchen where you can serve others, and not be the guest, for once.

As I write this, Beau, a basset-hound with the cutest slobbery face and stubby legs is a reminder of God's provision. I have found that this summer has been the hardest transition I have ever experienced. It is unstable... shaking the walls of the known down and leaving me with an immense expanse of uncharted territory. A land that is full of promise and excitement, but is blocked by fear and uncertainty... But God is providing for me now. In little things like dog-sitting and giving me places to stay in springfield closer to my church and friends- and getting paid for it. And giving me ways to express my creativity in paintings that people actually find interesting enough to buy. And then, the most exciting part... is the answered prayer about starting my own business in photography. Obviously, I already have a "business", but the next step to make it legit, is scary and so grown-up. But also something I have wanted off and on for 4 years. Even after I wanted to throw it all away. I was sick of art and listening to people and dealing with people.. and then God tells me... "Glorify me with what YOU know.."

And that, my friends, was the biggest hurdle I wanted to cleanly jump over. I wanted to avoid silly little jobs of the world and do something people would see as meaningful. But the hurdle caught my foot and smashed my face back down into the earth- back to reality. I was searching and praying for ways to glorify God my own way, that I was blinded to the fact that it isn't about what I do... but how it is done...Even photography, a very shallow thing at times, can be a vessel of love and a chance to talk to people about Jesus.

I don't know anything about a business... or money management... or taxes... or really anything. This is probably the scariest decision I have ever made, and a huge leap of faith into possible failure. But art is what I know. This is what I can excel at when I engage it with my soul. This is one of my giftings that I can share with others.

As Beau begins to snore beside me on the couch, I thank God for the ways He is showing me He will always take care of me. Sometimes His ways are so subtle.. that it takes you a few months to look back and say, "Wow.. God was there, and there.. and there.. and there.." Even when I have been at my lowest in awhile, He is there to uplift me. It just took me a few months of living as a vagabond to hear His soft whisper. A whisper so powerful that if you allow it, may catch you off guard, and bring you back home.

Les Miserables (The Miserable)

2010-06-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have had a love for musicals, ever since I was a little girl walking around the yard singing to animals. My mom told me animals liked music. So I saw my voice as something magical and it could tame the wildest of beasts.
When I was in junior high my parents told me to watch Les Miserables on PBS. I thought it would be dumb, you know how parent's tastes are when you are young. But the music and story line caught my attention and it was possibly one of the most powerful shows I have ever seen. One day I may even read the book it was based off of.. but it is like a million pages and I am not sure I want to make that sort of commitment.
Today as I was painting I decided to pop the tape in the vcr (yes, I am old enough to have one of those) and use it as inspiration. And everytime I watch it I leave with a sense of hope. The main story throughout it is of a man who is imprisoned for stealing bread, and once his sentence is up he breaks parole by stealing silver from a bishop. The police catch him, and return him to the Bishop for him to press charges. Yet, the Bishop says.. "Actually, I gave those to him as a gift." And after the police leave he tells the escapee to use it wisely.
This happens in the very beginning and it is so awesome to see how the man changes and lives his life to serve and love others, especially a little girl he is entrusted with. I am getting goosebumps thinking about it.

If you haven't watched it.. do it.. now.

This is one of my favorite songs..

Asa's Story

2010-06-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

I almost had a panic attack tonight because I thought God was playing a practical joke on me. I had stated in my last blog entry that I was "making" myself read my bible, and tonight, when I had a heart to read it.. I couldn't find it anywhere. I searched everywhere I could have had it.. and thought for sure God had thrown an invisibility cloak over it or something to teach me a lesson. We don't realize what we have until we've lost it, right? I started regretting my words... and finally... I found it under a pile of clothes that I don't remember putting it under. Phew

So anyways, tonight I read a couple chapters in 1 Kings (I am almost done with that book- which is exciting!) and of course the whole book is about all the kings and pretty much how they compare to King David's greatness. Well, none of the kings really measured up to ole' Dave, because he was worthy and righteous in the eyes of the Lord (except for the Bathsheba incident... But no one is perfect, right?). Anyways, David is great, and no one else can achieve goodness like him. Solomon came close. He was a smart dude and God blessed him with many riches and stuff. Of course, he then thought he must have more wives than one and they ended up turning his heart and eyes from God and brainwashing him with their gods. (This would be a great story in the Nauvoo newspaper...)

too soon?

Needless to say, that ended Solomon's great reign. And every king went downhill from there...It is so sad to read about these great leaders who turned to greed, power, false gods and sexual sin when God gave them a chance to prove themselves worthy.

But, on the other hand it is awesome to see God's reaction throughout the book. Even if a king screws up and throws his life away, God still said things like... "Because of David I will give him a son that I will not curse" or something on those lines. I am not quoting... but the point is that God remembered David's faithfulness and loved him so much that he blessed David's sons and son's sons and so on, giving them plenty of grace, before they even knew the grace of Jesus' death. So, they should have been very thankful for David. But they weren't. They turned from David and most importantly they turn from God.

And then... along comes a guy named Asa.

I have heard of Asa, but I have never read about his story in the Bible. (I sound like Don Miller.. I know Don, we all have stories, get out of my head!) And after reading about him, I wonder why I have never heard this story before. It is an amazing story! It is in 1 Kings 15:9-24, so go read it...

Asa was different. His forefathers had been screw ups- but for some reason, Asa came out with a heart for God. The bible says "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, as his father David had done". And it gives an account of how Asa shook up the order of every sinful detail. He got rid of shrines and idols and acts of sin (He even kicked his grandmother out of her queenly-hood because she had made an "asherah pole" which I assume means she was worshiping other gods. His own grandmother. He wasn't messing around. She probably even sat at the kiddy table for family meals.) Asa meant business.

Its remarkable to think that this guy rose out of a murky water hole of despair and found the light above. I love that the Word compares him to David. I bet Asa was a breath of fresh air for the Lord, I mean obviously God had planned it... but nonetheless, I can just imagine Him smiling so keenly down at Asa with all the pride a Father can muster.

I find encouragement in Asa's story. His courage and bravery that could have so easily turned to pride and greed outshone all the faults of his forefathers. He did not "go with the flow" and do as the former kings had done.
Asa is an inspiration, and its too bad I haven't read his story sooner.
Or maybe, I heard it at exactly the right time.
Or, I read it at this exact right time, because you needed to hear it at this exact moment.
Either way, God is getting His point across.
Because he doesn't mess around either.

"...Asa's heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life."

Ingrained Legalism

2010-06-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Having much downtime to read I borrowed "The Ragumuffin Gospel" from the Lasleys and it has been a great read so far. I admit I haven't been overly dedicated to it, and haven't been finding much joy in reading it nor my bible. I tell myself to read my bible everyday and chew and swallow it like I would spinach. Maybe, subconsciously I feel like I haven't been doing anything that I need wisdom from the Bible for. Which is a total lie. But that is the only reasoning I have come up with. And prayer? Its been at least a week since I've had a heart-felt prayer.. and after that prayer I had so many things answered. Why am I slacking so much? I need accountability, that is for sure.. I am so in love with Jesus, that it is shocking to acknowledge that I have slowly faded to a lazy faith. I thought being in Springfield in an empty house would be relaxing and give me much Jesus-time. Truthfully, I have felt lethargic and antsy (yes, at the same time). I think I miss people. And being here, in this house, is a great reminder that my favorite guy in the world is not here with me- my best friend who would listen to my thoughts on Jesus every day. And he still does, but its hard when phone time is limited. It has been a challenge being in Springfield.. and knowing that I have found peace in staying at home until October, but being here and seeing businesses that I could apply for, that if hired, would probably offer me a part-time position starting this summer. Which is not what I thought God wanted me to do... and at one point last week I thought I had 3 weddings lined up, and now I am down to a possible 1. I have been getting a lot of encouragement with my art and photography.. But I still feel stuck in a rut. Today, as I was reading Ragamuffin Gospel, I came across this paragraph that made me stare at disbelief of what Brennan Manning wrote, wondering how he got in my head..

"A married woman in Atlanta with two small children told me recently she was certain that God was disappointed with her because she wasn't "doing anything" for Him. She told me she felt called to a soup kitchen ministry but struggled with leaving her children in someone else's care. She was shocked when I told her the call was not from God but from her own ingrained legalism. Being a good mother wasn't enough for her; in her mind, neither was it good enough for God."

I am not worried about being a good mother, but I did say those exact words a couple weeks ago about God being disappointed that I wasn't doing enough. And though I feel like I have been given a waiting period, its still evident that He is still trying to reassure me that I can be missional in my now. This idea of ingrained legalism is interesting, because I think legalism is a bunch of bologna because Jesus is about love, not laws. But has theories on how a christian should live been ingrained in my head? Are we being legalistic if we think missionaries don't live amongst us? Is it a law that I feel guilty for not physically doing good deeds, when souls are the things that really matter? My head hurts now...

Today I also read 1 Kings 13, which was kind of intimidating. The "man of God" did not obey God nor listen to His command, and the man "turned back the way he had come"... God, then, sent a lion to kill him.
Alright, God. I'll obey your calling..
but please, if I screw up... no lions...
a more subtle sign will work..

I'll add a picture to help with the visual.

A Hard Lesson in Obedience

2010-06-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

I am always blown away at what Humility can do to your relationship with God. When I literally get face down and ask my Creator for guidance and peace, He is more than willing to pour love out on me. It isn't that He grants my wishes, that is where people lose their faith. But when I humble myself it is then I become more aware of how He is already working on the other side of my clouded eyes. I can stop living for myself and understand the people around me are more important. As I prayed and cried for my path to be revealed just an inch so I knew I was heading in the right direction I felt a calm spread over me. The next hour, my dad came in the room and asked if I would be home next week to go with my mom somewhere because he wouldn't be there.
My dad is going to be gone a lot (out of the state) this summer, and he is worried about mom. She is getting surgery in August on her back, and in the meantime she is in a lot of pain. I have already had to help dad take care of her when she got sick for a week.
And instead of looking up at dad and automatically saying "no" like I used to. My first thoughts went back to my prayer and of Jesus.
"Yeah, I should be here" I said to him.
Honestly, I think he expected an argument.
I talked to Jonathan about how I feel like God has me at home for the summer for a reason, and it took me a lot to say that. It takes me a lot to write it. And it took me a lot speak it to my mom at lunch today. She is bad at showing her feelings, kind of like me. Instead of getting mushy we tend to change the subject by commenting on the dogs or something unimportant. But i heard a sense of relief in her breath when I told her I wouldn't mind living here until this fall, and that it seemed like the right thing at the moment. She confirmed that she would need help... and then the conversation switched over to the puppies.
It sucks seeing your friends go on mission trips or get their own places. Its hard to commute an hour and a half to church and small group, and depend on people in Springfield to give you a place to lay your head. It sucks not to be the person who is making a difference. Who doesn't want to rescue girls from the sex trade or counsel homeless kids on the street? I do. I do so badly.
But maybe its not my time yet. I do not know what God holds for me tomorrow, I am trying not to peek. I know what He has brought to me today and the days of my past. And though this transition is hard, this is where He wants me to live missionlly in my now. Even though my dreams and hopes take me any where but Barry... my Jesus tells me He has work for me here. He has hearts to mend under this roof, and walls to be torn down, and truth to be shared. To me it doesn't seem that exciting or courageous. But honestly, it scares me more sharing my faith and love openly with my parents than with strangers. And I think its kind of beautiful that God wants my missionary heart to start with the ones closest to me, the ones I have hurt and have hurt me in unintentional ways... and bring the light back home.

Hope for Tomorrow

2010-06-08T20:36:00.001-07:00

Its the first time that I don't feel at home...at my home. Everyday I wake up feeling like a guest and try pitching in on chores as a sort of rent payment. Everyday I keep the phone close expecting to receive a call from a business saying they liked my resume enough to hire me. Every day I wonder why I am here waiting when everyone else is out doing something. Today I spent over two hours calling, emailing and browsing the world wide web... searching jobs in the Springfield area. Dead ends.
The hope will carry on to tomorrow.
A card lays on my desk from Jonathan's parents.. "You're going to be a success, Grad!" it exclaims loud enough for me to turn my head and grimace. Its scratchy font now mocks instead of encourages. "When?" I ask the card...
and then turn my head to heaven.
When?
everywhere I turn someone asks me what I am doing with my life. It is usually innocent, but I twist their suggestions and take it to the gut. My answer is always the same..
"That is a great question"
"Have you applied anywhere?" they respond...
"No", I want to say, "I love being dependent on my parents and not living a life for myself where there is absolutely no community of believers to hold me accountable. Why would I want to leave that?"
Instead I answer politely and dodge the next person I see who I know will ask me the exact same thing.
When I prayed today heading to Pittsfield for groceries (A trip out of my claustrophobic house) I told God, "I may be being dramatic.. but I am dying here." With my boyfriend in Alaska, my best girl friends, church, small group and life in Springfield... I feel utterly cut off.
Like time is standing still but moving quicker than I wanted.
But its okay.
tomorrow is a new day, and there, hope awaits me.

Creation of Baby and of Aunt

2010-06-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

It is a huge debate whether the baby begins life at conception or birth or somewhere in between. My sister-in-law has been pregnant for 3 months.. and I am confident in saying that I have been an aunt for three months now, even though it was just today that I found out the news when my brother called me. Phil, who I see as the mean, older brother of my youth, is now having a child of his own.
Life is so strange.
Little aliens who form into beautiful creations come out gasping for breath and screaming their first hello's. And as they grow they learn to communicate and be loved and to love. Their first instincts are..
hold me, feed me, take care of me.. I need you.
How, if we are all an accident, did the universe create feelings? How did atoms and an explosion create love? How are we able to communicate and care for one another if we truly believe there is nothing before and after us?
Sure, some may believe in survival of the fittest, and that it is our barbaric way of getting what we want and need. But if that is what we are made up of then we would kill each other to get what we want and not worry about communication or mercy. Underneath all the food, clothes, science, materialism...
we all crave the need to be accepted and to feel a contentment with who we are.. and why we are.
If we did not have a Creator that first loved us and showed us how to love, then where did we learn it from? Rocks? The fish or monkeys we evolved from? (Okay,sure, monkeys can be loving.. but they also fling poo, if you want to be associated with that, go ahead...) But seriously.. None of this makes sense in the science realm. Science cannot explain a creator, but can it explain love and grace and joy and sympathy?
I honestly do want to know the thoughts of non-believers and their explanation of why we are more than our cells and bones, and how that came to be.

The little...rascal..(the sex is unknown, so I need something to call him/her until he/she is born!) is due on December 12th and I am going to be praying for her or him every day. Life is so frail, and so wonderful. It starts with two people. But before that, it started with one loving creator who blessed us with the opportunity to love something back.
I can't wait to see all the new experiences being an aunt may bring...
and watching little rascal grow.

Speaking to my Past

2010-06-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

I don't remember a time when I didn't have a pencil in my hand. It seems I have always been drawn to creative writing, and it is an outlet that has served me well through the years.
As I cleaned out my room at home last night trashing and giving away most of the stuff I found, I came across an old notebook filled with my writings when I was younger. I also went through the journals I have kept (dating back to early grade school when all I could talk about were boys...oh geesh). It is amazing how a person can grow, and I am so grateful that I have kept a record of what I was like through those years. Even though I read most of the silly entries and laugh or roll my eyes, it is a part of who I was and how God was working on me even then. My earliest recorded poem was from 2001 and it is kind of cute. But my favorite part is that I talk about my faith in it. Though it was an immature faith, I still believed in the power of God's comfort and forgiveness. In that sense I could possibly hold a conversation with my old self and relate to her in some way. It would have been nice to even give her advice and warn her about guarding her heart- as no one did. As my journals advanced into later years I found myself reading the entries from 2008, right before I transferred to UIS. In it I talked about how I was praying for a home church and praying that I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, and wait for love this time. I was tired of making stupid mistakes and letting my emotions run my life and lead me to sin. Even then, I needed a community that would hold me accountable and lead me towards Jesus.
And now, two years later and a graduate from UIS, I look back and see just how God answered that prayer and then more. My friends and campus ministry were the tools that God used to change my life. In the process I learned to guard my heart and devote my love to my God and people in need. What a growing time in my life. I wish my young self would have known how great my life would be in 2010, and known not to worry about a thing. If I could have just told her that God will take care of all, and one day a man who loves Jesus will love you too. Don't worry about these silly boys in the meantime.
I know in another 2 years I will look back at my journal of today and smile at how I worried about nothing. Future Emily will be even more in love with God then, and her wise eye will scan today's entry and wish she could come back here and say, "past Emily, just hold on.. God has something awesome planned for you.. I can't wait till you see it!"

Until then, present Emily will patiently await the future day by day, learning from the now, the yesterday and the past that seemed so long ago.

The New Chapter

2010-05-16T22:02:00.001-07:00

Lightly closing the door behind me I scrambled from my apartment for the last time, cleaning agents and bags in my hand. The rain hammered on the wooden stairs screaming caution to my already clumsy feet.
No time for thinking.
I handed a couple of boxes to my boyfriend and he walked me to my car.
No time for sentiments.
We hurried from the skies' tears as they soaked our clothes and curled my hair.
No time for a last look.
My car mechanically led me away from the apartment I called home for the last year. Away from the school where I met the most amazing people...who I laughed, loved and cried with.
Away from the world as a student since the age of five...and as my hand gripped the steering wheel I only moved forward into the new chapter of life as an adult.
Not knowing where my head would be resting in a month to come, but confident that the writer of my story is scripting an exciting plot.
And never running out of ink.

Lighter Side of Things

2010-05-11T09:56:00.001-07:00

So most of my blog posts are pretty heavy.. and I think I need to lighten it up a bit.. so here is a fun questionnaire I got from Jaime, a fellow blogger..

1. What has been your most memorable Mother's Day? (with your mom, as a mom, or with your wife)
Is it sad that I don't have a most memorable one? Maybe I should do something special for my mom next year...

2. Have you ever been pulled over for speeding and were you able to talk your way out of it?
I haven't been pulled over from speeding.. my friend, Andrew, has in my car though. But I never seem to have to talk my way out of tickets because once the cop finds out who my dad is.. usually their old boss, then they tell me to say hello to him, and let me go on my way.

3. What's the oldest thing you have hanging in your closet?
Probably my old Weezer t-shirt that I got in my early high school years. I still wear it.

4. Do you whiten your teeth?
I have a couple times.. but its been a year or so..

5. Underwear or Panties..What do you call your "unmentionables"?
Underwear or sometimes undies..

6. If you could go on vacation right now..today..where would you go?
Estes Park, Colorado... Paris...Vermont... Alaska...anywhere but the midwest...

7. Do you get offended when people cuss on their blogs?
Not offended, but I hate hearing people cuss, and hate seeing it as well.

8. If you had to give up one luxury item, it would be....?
If my teeth would naturally stay clean and healthy.. I would love to give up brushing my teeth.. it grosses me out every time I do it.

R-Rated Christians

2010-05-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

It was my sophomore year in college when three people walked out of a movie theater and changed my ideals. They didn't make a huge deal out of it, or ask anyone to follow, they just left in a middle of a showing.
Before then I was okay with watching any sort of film or listening to any music or watching any television show. But in doing so I was allowing horrible images, words or ideas enter my head, my body...my temple. But it is okay to do that stuff, as long as we don't act that way... right? So this is what I thought.. and many "christians" believe as well. I even, at one point, thought it was over the top for my worship leader and two other band members to leave the movie theater. I remember rolling my eyes just because they couldn't handle a sex scene or two and the f word. And as much as I thought that the idea was ludicrous, it obviously stuck with me.
When I began walking with Jesus and pursuing Him as He asked me to, my ideas began to change about the world around me. The music, the movies, the shows I infiltrated my eyes with before, began to change. The books I read seemed shallow. As my love grew deeper in Jesus and I wanted to reflect Him, my desire to do what He would do began to grow. I remembered that fateful day when those three individuals left the theater, and I began to see it as a brave and honorable thing. They were not only doing it to stay pure and not be tempted- but they also were a living example for the rest of the people in the theater. I wanted to be that way. I had changed into those "extreme Jesus freaks" that I had scoffed at before.
I don't have a TV. I haven't for the last couple of years. And I am not saying this to say, Oh look at me, I am Holy. Its just because I don't really have time to watch it if I had one, and honestly, I probably wouldn't. I don't listen to popular music because it is mostly full of degrading lyrics that revolve around sex, drinking, drugs, partying, etc. Of course there are always exceptions. Not much is black and white in this world- there is so much gray area.. and that is where the Holy Spirit supplies us with discernment. But do we listen?

Where do we stop being relevant with the world and start being different from it? Where is the line? When are R rated movies okay for Christ followers to watch? When are lady gaga videos and books full of lust okay to divulge in? When do we stop and say... If Jesus came back in this moment and I was watching/reading/looking at this.. would He be okay with it? Or better yet, would He be okay with me showing others that this is what He would do?

We are being watched. Not only by God, but by people who don't know Jesus and who are tired of the media telling them they must wear short skirts and drink till they pass out. They want something different, but if we look the same as the world- where will they find a place to land?

Obviously, I am not perfect.. and I still struggle with areas in my life such as these.. but I think it is an extremely important issue that I hope others will struggle with me in. It is worth it. Maybe one day you and I will take a stand in a packed movie theater and be scoffed at as we walk out. Maybe it will stay with people and slowly change their thinking and how they follow Jesus. I hope I can have the courage to do this, and I hope to be that example in my every day life. It is hard to stay pure in every choice- but I am not settling for being an R-rated Christian... I want to be different. I want to be like Jesus.

Swagger Wagon

2010-05-08T10:40:00.001-07:00

I want a Mini Van when I have children.. because of this amazing video..

The Theme is Trust

2010-05-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

As psalm 125 so boldly states, we are like Mount Zion if we trust in the Lord. And though it is an obvious "christian" idea, it is probably one of the hardest things to do. For trusting in God is faith- which is believing that which we do not see. Its easy to look back at the last 22 years of my life and see God's hand in all the places where my heart has changed and my pace has quickened in excitement. He has been in the cool mornings of heartbreak; bringing healing and contentment to my soul. He has been in friendships that fade and blossom. He was my rock that kept the ruins of the world from falling on me, when I assumed they would crush my lungs. He was there whispering truth in my heart as satan whispered in my ear. He was there in the exhilarating joy of helping a friend. His blood was there when I thought I was not enough. And He continues to be here even when my future seems foggy and desperate.

But what is trust without desperation? What is faith without being desperate to cling to something meaningful and stable?

Is it foolish not to make plans a year in advance? possibly.
Is it the American way to have your life pre-planned? yes.
Did Jesus ask us, anywhere in the bible, to have schedules? Not that I recall.

I do remember when Jesus tells the fishermen Simon and Andrew to follow Him because He will make them "Fishers of men" in Mark 1:17. And in verse 18 it says "at once they left their nets and followed Him."
I like Jesus' style.
I don't want to be bogged down and so fond of my "nets" that I can't give them up to follow Jesus at any moment of my life. I crave that freedom.

But as I wait for Jesus to ask me this question I tend to drift back to my old ways of worry, anxiety and doubt. And then I wonder, hasn't Jesus already asked me this? Don't I continue to drop my nets and follow Him everyday, in every decision I make? Am I waiting for a sign or a grand event that has already happened in my salvation?

Why do I not trust when God fills my lungs with oxygen every day and gives me a place to rest my head and food to eat? What more should I want? And why is America so keen on planning a future that is full of emptiness and will more than likely change?
All I know is that God never moves nor changes, and it is when we try to change Him, that we feel disappointed. The most amazing times in my life, and biggest changes, have been when God asks me to choose Him. And choose Him I will.
No matter the cost.

A New Kind of Forgiveness

2010-04-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have never known the extent of God's peace, until it was the only thing that held me together. Relationships are hard. Actually, relationships focused on God are harder than they appear. There is a lot of depth and heartbreak that happens in getting to know someone, and it is exhausting at times. And I have definitely felt my extent of heartbreak this week as Jonathan and I dug deeper in our pasts. It was hard for me to handle it, and many tears and much more prayer filled my days. How do I forgive? Why should I forgive? Satan was attacking my heart with such questions.. and my insecurities dug the knife in deeper. But something amazing happened the next afternoon. I had been praying all morning for peace and forgiveness. And God's gentle voice just reminded me...

"Hey, remember when I took you back? Remember when you were unfaithful to me and turned your back on me? Remember how it ripped my heart out? Remember that you nailed me to the cross? And... I welcomed you home with open arms. I forgave you, daughter, and I forgive you each day."

And that, that was the awakening I needed. I realized there was nothing a human could do to me that I hadn't already done worse to my Creator. And here I was, a christian, not a Sunday-only christian.. a Christ-follower wanting to live every aspect of my life out like Jesus would. Wanting to be led by the Holy Spirit in every sense. And was I to be a hypocrite? God kept speaking to me of being like Him, so the world can see Him through me. My Lord kept reinforcing that my only contentment was in Him alone, no matter the pain we experience in the world. And He reminded me that no man or woman who follows Him, and repents... is still a sinner.

"Your sins don't bind you to the earth. Daughter, you are not your sin. And Jonathan nor any other person is their sin either. By my sons blood you were all washed clean."

After this I had a refreshed and new outlook on being a Christ-follower. In loving his son, Jonathan, and forgiving him, as he had already forgiven my own past, I could love God.

It is funny how I thought this healing process would take weeks.. possibly months. But God has worked a miracle in my heart and i can truly say I have a full forgiveness towards Jonathan that has grown us closer to one another and closer to God. And it was just a few days that God's peace transformed my heart. It is by God's amazing grace that has enabled me with forgiveness for an amazing Godly man who deserves nothing less. It is also by God's grace that he humbles me and teaches me that forgiveness is a true testament of the way we are to live and to love one another.

And as tough as this week has been, I thank God for a wonderful chance to learn from His immense wisdom and love. And I look forward to more amazing and hard times in my relationship with Jonathan, and just seeing the Spirit-filled man God created him to be, grow in his love for Christ.

No Place to Rest My Head

2010-04-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

Its ironic that the very art work I am making is about not being held to this earth by worldly things and being free to fly wherever God wants me to land. Yet, I hope with all my heart that I land in a little state called Alaska this summer. God tells me to Hope for what I do not have (I will find that vs!) and so I keep hoping that what I want is what God wants for me. I hate selfish prayers.. I try never to ask God to make something happen.. because its ridiculous.. He is God.. His will must be done.. so who am I to stand in the way with my aspirations? But why do we pray? Why are the psalms filled with prayers for God to bring the people to something better? Why can I not stop feeling guilty for praying for what my heart craves? I know it is because I am scared that what I want is for my own selfishness. I want to leave and to fly away from Illinois. "birds have nests, and foxes have holes.. but man has no place to rest his head"... I feel restless.. like if I spent another summer here It would suck all the excitement from my life. I don't want to go back to a place where I have rested my head all my life. But, living adventurously is not everyone's calling. I mean, Mary and Joseph did not ask for a life of adventure.. they were young, normal, faithful servants... and God blessed them with the most amazing son that saves.
This world will never be home to me... and I want to consider how the ravens live.. with nothing more than their daily food.. and still trusting God.. living it one day at a time. Not demanding an answer about where they will live tomorrow. Not demanding an adventure. Yet, praying fervently for patience, peace and confidence in a faithful God. A God who has revealed to me many amazing blessings in my life, and I only have to review my last 22 years to realize how far I have come through Him. And only have hope for the future... not an anxious hope, but a hope that is full of knowledge that God will be in whatever experiences I encounter.
Whether they be exciting or heartbreaking....

To Listen Well

2010-03-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize the quality I value most in my friendships are the people who know how to listen well. I understand it is really difficult to selflessly sit down and hear what someone else has to say, and not think about what you need to say next. It is nearly impossible to not try to think of your own story which is even better than the person who is telling their story. It is so hard to hear the pain in someone's "I'm doing okay" when you are thinking about how you are doing only. These things we are all guilty of sometimes. But there are those people and friends that I love to spend time with. Those people who I want to live life with because our friendship isn't just me talking, or just them talking. I tend to shut down and close myself off from people who never ask me about my life, because what is the use? I know this is the wrong mindset.. and I have been asking God to give me patience with them... and to listen to their praises or hardships even when I need someone to hear mine. I realize now why I value every week when I meet with Lindsey, because she intentionally sits and listens to me and asks questions about how I feel about situations. She never says.. "Well, in my life this is how I handled it...etc..". I in return love learning about her life and listening to her struggles. It brings our friendship to a deeper level. I also know that I was attracted to JB by his humbleness in listening to people well. He has so much knowledge and wisdom, yet he doesn't speak over someone nor contradict them unless they ask him his opinion. I almost envy how he can easily talk to anyone without judgment and listen to their life stories. It is a gift that God has given him and I am so amazingly blessed to have that in my life- an awesome guy I can talk to about anything. There are many more people in my life who listen well, Gretchen gives you the stare down when you talk and you know she is trying to read in between the lines right into your soul... and she is pretty good at it. David will probe you until your true feelings fall out on the table. Debra will silently smile in expectation and excitement as you speak. Kaleigh will ask tough and unusual questions about my life or experiences that allow me to realize she cares. Andrew finds joy in my everyday random activities.. and on and on..

I learn so much from these awesome listeners.. even when I feel like I can't listen one more minute. Even when I feel like it won't help a soul. But maybe it will. I used to be a good listener last year. And I want that patience and humbleness back. It is so evident when I shy away from personal time with people that satan is trying to steal me away from what is Good. And what God has called me to do. I am thankful for the people who listen well, and how they teach me to love even more with every breath I am granted.

A Hard Lesson in Love.

2010-03-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

As I was listening to a podcast a couple days ago at work, I felt the Holy Spirit teaching me a hard lesson. It was a podcast by Francis Chan called "When God Doesn't Listen", which I first thought was blasphemy by the title. I don't think that anymore.

The message was about Joshua, and mostly chapter 7 about Achan's sinful nature, and how from him being dishonorable, he led all of Israel to be cursed and to lose in battle. No one had known Achan had stolen some plunder of God's "devoted things" such as money and fancy-schmancy robes and such. He couldn't help himself, so he secretly sinned. But God knew, and He punished all of Israel because of this. Well, Joshua got pretty upset. He mourned and prayed asking why God had brought them that far just to be defeated. And I love this part. God answers,
"Get Up"
He tells Joshua to be active.. to find out who has sinned, who has broken the covenant. So Joshua does, and Achan admits to his treachery. Then, what gets me the most, is that they stone Achan to death. It doesn't seem very forgiving, and it is kind of hard to digest, but it was them purifying their "body" before God. Cutting off the hand that causes them to sin. And then God puts His blessing over them in protection once more.

Chan also talked about a verse.. I don't remember where, but I have read it before, and it amazes me at how I had believed a different mindset for so long. And how this is hard to adjust to. He was reading about how we have no right to judge those people who do not know Christ.. yet, it is our duty and responsibility to judge those that call themselves Christians. We must hold our brothers and sisters accountable. And if those so-called Christians do not repent of their sins, then we must not associate with them at all. We must not talk to them or eat at the table with them. (I really need to find this verse!) Now I understand this verse perfectly. God wants us to "give them over to the hand of satan" so they will be totally lost and want to come back. It is a loving act.

I was talking to JB about this yesterday... and I feel like we don't do this well. No one does. We have gotten in this hippie mind-set to love everyone.. don't judge anyone. And that is fine, for those people that don't know Christ. But it is the hypocrites and the people who sleep around with boyfriends and girlfriends, or get plastered, or hate their brother and then show up to church or CSF claiming they know Jesus.. these people we must judge and let them know they are doing wrong. It is our duty to inform them. Have we done that? Do we love people enough to go as far as calling them out of their sin? Do we love our friends and family enough to shun them if they are hypocrites? I don't know if I can love like that..

It has been an uneasy couple of days thinking about this, and how I can live like Jesus, even when it is hard. He tells us that these people God will give over to satan and will not listen to their pleads. Their prayers will be in vain. I guess the better question is.. When have you been to prideful to repent, yet expect God to answer your prayers? When seeing it in the light, it seems arrogant and selfish. Why would God bring joy in your life if you are defiling His kingdom and hurting his sons and daughters?

How do we exile "christians" who give us a bad name and do it arrogantly? How do we ge the Achan's out of our midst?

I don't know all the answers.. but this is what God has been showing me lately from His word. Think about it, pray about it.. This could be you.

Carving Away Prejudices

2010-03-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

As I was enjoying the morning air around 7:30 and talking to God about my life, I suddenly realized that I have stopped doing what I enjoy. I have been fed up with the art world lately.. and fancy artists who think I need to know so much about art in order to create it. I have taken these frustrations out on creativity all together telling God that I can serve Him in other ways. Which I think is partially true. I want to remain open to other abilities and gifts that aren't so apparent. But to give up on something I was/am so passionate and excited about? Obviously, this is God given. But I never thought it would be applicable with how I live out my life in ministry or as a missionary. And, maybe it won't be, but.. what if it could be? Why am I playing it down so much and looking at it in disgust? Last night I took one of JB's mugs he had thrown on the wheel and began carving on it. The effect it had on me was awesome. I thought it looked pretty sweet, I know I am so modest, but it also reminded me how it felt to be excited about art work. It wasn't even for a class.. just because I wanted to create. And so this morning in my walk, I felt God urging me to pursue this, and for some odd reason I bought some oven bake clay today and am going to experiment with sculpting necklaces and such, and also continuing carving on mugs. I am actually really excited about doing this, and I really don't even know why. It may be a new hobby.. or, hopefully, a new open door!

A Hopeful Spring Day

2010-03-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

As my breath comes into my lungs with a chilled bite the sun keeps persuading me to go on.
So I do.
Coming to the bridge where we had first talked about our lives and our dreams.
Where my legs silently shook, maybe from the cold but probably because of nerves.
The stars were bright then, but this morning the sun creeps its warmth around the goosebumps popping up along my arms. Spring is on the verge, a glass of flowery liquid filled to the brim, ready to be spilled on the world. Little drops ease over the edge and the sounds of birds and scent of nature awakens my senses.
I breathe deeply as I come to a stop and gaze at the water under the bridge.
In, out.
In, out.
I breathe differently in my room, or in a coffee shop, or in a class.
Here, it is easy yet deliberate.
It is the only thing that matters, that I am here.
That I am alive.
The geese send calls to one another in a silly voice.
They laugh and giggle together, never leaving each others side.
They flutter around the half-frozen pond sending a shimmering ripple into my eyes.
I breathe deeply again, wishing I could remain here all day.
Knowing I can't.
I thank God and turn from the hope of spring
and head back towards home and schedules.
But as I walk away I plug this vision into my mind.
And as my life gets hectic again and I forget peace,
I can recall this morning and maybe,
just maybe,
I can get the faintest scent of a not too far off Spring day.

sweet relief

2010-03-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

The fish falls from the bowl,
shocked
shaken
frightened.
A dry air surrounds her little body and begins peeling away the wetness
It starts at her fins and slowly creeps up her body.
Dryness seeping into her scales...
deep within her heart,
suffocating her lungs that denies her breath.
etching a poem of despair in her soul.
a pain shoots through her body in one last attempt of her own.
She stops moving and lays paralyzed.
Wishing it would all be over.
But she knows it won't be that easy.
And she gives in to her helplessness,
and by giving in,
a cool, wet hand cradles her body tenderly.
Her heart is still weathered,
but hope brightens her large fish eyes.
Lights shine brighter,
colors more vivid,
dancing before her gaping mouth.
and then...
ever so peacefully,
she is slipped into liquid that sends shivers down her fin.
Her heart releases the worry and anxiety.
Gills breathe in sweet relief.
Exhaustion tells her she has been through much in one day
Her heart reinforces that she is being held tightly by the Unseen.
When she slipped from her bowl,
His love supported her.
When Anxiety was great within her,
His consolation brought joy to her soul.
Joy of a thousand dancing stars trailing through the night sky.
Joy of a little fish who fell from her bowl,
and let herself be carried into a sweet relief.

(psalm 94:18-19)

Never Ending Battle with Self

2010-02-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

I kind of feel like a slacker.
There are so many things I need to do before Jesus returns, it seems. And yet, my schedule is so full that I know I need to stop doing "things".
Today I stopped at subway, and yes, got a tuna sub on flatbread with moz cheese, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes.. the only way to go.. and as I pulled out of the parking lot with my mouth full of fish I glanced over and saw a homeless man sitting on the curb holding a sign.
I felt sick.
I always feel awkward in these situations.. I find it hard to trust anyone in this world without really getting to know them and studying their character. Once that happens I am loyal as a dog. But until then, my skepticism is pretty thick... which makes it hard to love people freely without walls being put up around my heart. And sometimes I wonder if these homeless people have opportunities to get jobs and why they can't.. you know.. the horrible American way of thinking..
But today was different.
This past weekend was the winter retreat and Mr. Lowry spoke on Revelation- my favorite subject. I get so excited thinking about the day Jesus comes back, the only sombering thought is of the people I love who haven't given their lives to Christ. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. I don't know the best way to love people and show them how much Jesus loves them, when I feel irritated by their life choices. It is so above feelings, this I have come to realize. It is not about how I feel at all, it is not about ME at all.. and I have to remind myself of this constantly..
So why did the homeless guy bug me more so today?
Because I saw Jesus sitting on that curb.
And I, along with every other car, just drove on by.
My sandwich no longer tasted as good (believe me, it is one of my favorite things to eat) and I felt nauseous after it.
I feel like, lately, I have been dropping the ball more than playing the game. I don't get to hang out with people the way I did last semester and just get to know their hearts. I am caught up with school work and getting ready to become an "adult".. and I don't like this phase I am in. It seems completely self-centered. Sure, it seems natural in our "me-culture" for a college senior to think about her needs and wants for a future career and to have a plan... but I have chosen not to live by the American culture... but what the Holy Spirit is leading me to do.

And I know if Jesus came back next week, He would say.. "Well, you kinda fell off the bandwagon from last semester, didn't you Emily? Who have you tried to disciple to, lately? Where is your time going?"
And what can I say to a creator who knows every word before I say it?
I want to be like Bob Lowry.. and live each day passionately for God, by loving people- ALL people- like I am going to die within a year. Sometimes I wish we were all diagnosed with something, its then that we realize what is really important, and even more so.. who is really important.

Seeing Dollhouses Through Plastic Eyes

2010-02-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

It seems persecution comes in all shapes and forms.
On the surface it looks minor.
but inside it fills your heart, ready to explode in offensiveness.
It weighs on your mouth as you try to appear okay,
yet the heaviness draws tears to a once dry face.
Comfort in worldly things seems like child play.
It is impossible to trust in people and their motives.
They want to play doll house the rest of their life,
while you have realized the plastic faces don't speak, or feel.
Mass produced to the expectations of the world.
The things done as an adolescent seem unimportant- all leading to death.
What you once did before Christ now is seen with discerning eyes
granted by the Holy Spirit's guidance.
He stirs a deep warning in my soul of conformity to sin
Sin that the majority finds normal.
He whispers,
"It is good to be persecuted, daughter, I dealt with it more than you will ever know."
I find strength in this, I find peace and hope..
Comfort comes from an unseen power that fills my soul with confidence.
I can smile when friends don't understand my decisions, and shun my apologies.
I can stand tall when family scoffs at my choices...
My true identity resides in a Father that loves me more than they ever did or will.
Their plastic faces and fairytale dollhouses will fall, eventually.
They will see that my faith was more than superstition and hocus pocus..
But until then, I will hold fast to Truth and hope in an unchanging and real, God.
Who peels away the plastic of the world and reveals the sin that hides beneath.

Creative Boyfriends are the Best

2010-02-15T06:59:00.000-08:00

I am super thankful for a creative boyfriend... and by creative, I mean, I feel like he outdoes me sometimes.. and my imagination is pretty out there. JB and I celebrated our first Valentines Day yesterday, together. We decided to make each other cards... and I told him I didn't want roses or chocolates.. but he wanted to give me flowers anyways. So, what did he do? Well.. he made me a card...

and inside the card.. were handmade flowers.. and inside each of the dozen flowers are a dozen reasons why I mean so much to him.

Uhmmm. romantic, much? I was kind of blown away by his creative-ness.. and thoughtfulness.. and how much time it took him to make such a beautiful gift.. I, of course, was a little less proud to hand over my homemade card.. He definitely beat me this valentines day.. but, ya know, I am definitely okay with losing this one...
It was well worth it.

Joy to my Soul

2010-02-09T10:26:00.001-08:00

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping' your love, O Lord, supported me. When my anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
Psalm 94 18-19

I am going to repeat this verse in my head every time I feel anxious and when my foot is slipping into worry and off the narrow path.

Resemblences.

2010-02-08T23:13:00.001-08:00

Facebook has been having a celebrity look-alike week, and it really bothered me that I could not find anyone that I resembled in the least bit. I have no idea why it made me anxious, but I searched and searched...and face generators told me I looked like Rosario Dawson (Hitch) and some other random people.. Elton John was even one of them.. I hope it was just the glasses.
So as we talked about it in our ice breaker for small group tonight, Kaleigh mentioned that she thought i looked like Mandy Moore when she sang 'Only Hope' in A Walk to Remember. So, what did I do? When I came home tonight I looked it up.. and I am not that much of a judge myself.. but I did notice some similarities, though I think Moore is prettier, we have the exact same color eyes, down to the gold ring in the middle. You can determine whether it is too big of a reach or not..

During obsessing over this, and JB openly worrying as I told him I was on the 4th Mandy Moore video.. I realized how crazy it is that even though we may resemble someone.. we are our own person.. and uniquely beautiful in our own ways. A truly creative Creator has a map of all his children's faces who ever has and ever will be on this earth.. and His paintbrush never runs out of new colors.
What an artist!

To live is Christ and to Die is Gain

2010-02-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in that faith." Philippians 1:21-25

I came across these verses this morning and it stood out so boldly I had to go back and re-read it a couple of times. I love the first statement Paul makes, To live is Christ and to die is gain. What the heck? I have heard this many times before, but had I really understood it? Can we ever understand it?
Those words sent a shiver up my spine.
The Word shows account after account that Christ's life on earth was not easy or comfortable. Everywhere He went He was either expected to do some miraculous healing or sarcastically confronted about His teachings from religious leaders. He was the most humble person and yet had to be a leader at the same time. He had to teach His disciples patience and faith every day because they just didn't get it. He wasn't at home and though he created crowds.. I guarantee he never fit into any crowds. I love when he is a boy and Mary can't find him anywhere.. and when she finds him in the church he wonders out loud why she is so surprised that he is in his Father's house. And of course we can't forget his brutal death and ridicule.. and the persecution.

Jesus did not come here to sit in his la-z-boy and lounge around the house.. moping about the vile state of the people around him. He chose to live a life of hard work and of perseverance... I could go on, but we know how Jesus lived and my thoughts would be second-hand words of a much greater story.

So to live. To live is Christ. Paul is telling us.. at least telling me at this season in my life.. that to live is to sacrifice and live as Jesus lived. In this verse Paul speaks my heart. Some days I am so sick of dealing with worldly things that I am SO ready to go to heaven and be without persecution. He says that to die is to gain.. it is so much better to die because we will be with our Father once more. But as we are called to live on this earth, we must pursue the model of how Jesus lived.

The whole book of Philippians speaks of how this world is nothing but rubbish, and how Paul longs to be with his Creator, and perseveres until that moment.. Yet by staying behind a little longer He is able to speak to others about Jesus' love. He still has a part to play in this small time he has on the earth. And though dying would be gain, He urges us to live as Christ lived so that we may be used by the Spirit to bring others to Christ.

Do I live each day with this knowledge? No, this is a deep conviction of the soul. If anyone can say this doesn't bother them, I'd seriously ask them to check their relationship with God. I am touched that people say they "like my blog" or my thoughts, but man, does it matter if you aren't getting anything out of what Jesus is saying to you? I'd rather hear silence then be told my writing is "good". I don't intend it to make people smile or make people feel bad. I just want to urge believers and non-believers alike to remember why we are here. Guess what? Going to church doesn't save you. Baptism doesn't save you. Prayer before dinner doesn't save you. Love and Peace doesn't save you. good deeds don't save you. Jesus' blood saved you, can you accept that? And can we live a life pursuing how He lived? Can we live so full of Christ and out of this world that we know without a doubt that death would be gain? Can we truly say we believe this?

My beautiful friend opened up to me today about how her job is so hard because she wants to base her work around Jesus and how He lived on this earth. Of course her boss doesn't understand the importance of this and I know her frustrations. Every day we live in this world it becomes less and less "cool" to be a follower of Christ. the word "christian" is a mockery in many social circles and institutions. It scares me every time I reveal a new art work that involves Christ, knowing full well that my faith is revealed to be slandered and mocked. I look at Amelia and Shana who have given up their comfortable conditions to follow Jesus in unsure circumstances whether it be in Africa or amongst the homeless. I look at Dave and Lindsey choosing to be campus ministers and trusting God in the unknown rather than searching for more stable jobs that the world would approve of. These are the everyday persecutions that reminds us that death will be our reward, because it will be with our amazing Creator. But these persecutions are also our joy because Jesus, our God, suffered even more so than us, and He knows what we are going through. And He continues to ask us to persevere until that day of gain... Which is much nearer than any of us think.

Break Me Into Pieces

2010-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a weird couple of days.
A tiring past couple of days.
Not physically so much.
Just tired.
Tired of worldliness.
It is so freakin' suffocating.
It is exhausting to fight this spiritual battle,
plus fighting yourself and your doubts.
I hate that my pride gets in the way of my faith.
A jealous bubble rises in my chest that I don't know how to pop.
"I deserve more" my brain thinks.. but my soul knows I deserve nothing.
How do I connect these? How do I tell my brain that it is just
a bunch of goop and ideas that America taught me as a child?
That Jesus has made me new, and His ideas are based upon humility.

Man, I want that humility more than anything.
Please God..

"Scenes of you keep rushing through,
you are breaking me down..
So Break me into pieces,
that will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die..
for the murder in my heart
so be gentle with me Jesus..
as you tear me apart..
Please kill the liar..
kill the thief in me.
You know that I am tired of their cruelty.
Breathe into my spirit.
Breathe into my veins.
Until only Love Remains.."
-JJ Heller

I'm Ready.

2010-01-29T12:32:00.001-08:00

I like her style.

I Was Created so I Create

2010-01-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

so I wanted my artist statement to not be the same ol boring speil about how great your artwork is.. blah blah.. and instead wanted to tell what my art was about without telling.. and give more of a creative writing/poetry feel. So this is my Artist Statement I have to turn into Proffesional Skills tomorrow night.. and I'm a bit nervous.. It is always scary to talk about God in such a secular area. I feel like art classes are the most intimidating areas that I have to force myself to acknowledge Him.
Anyways, here goes.

"I Was Created so I Create"

On the 2,035th day I was created.
I was created by the first artist of the world.
The Creator.
The Creator who started with a blank canvas.
He who created creation beyond any creative measure.
And I, His creation, am in His own image
and so...
I create.
And I create well.
I create power from a paintbrush.
I create hope from a sculpture.
I create truth from a photograph.
I create irony from a story.
I was born to create.
Not by molding or acrylics,
Not by sculpting or film,
Not by words or lyrics.
I create from the heart and the soul.
I create by empathy not by apathy.
This creativity, this gift
was not given to me by luck
Or by chance,
But by my only inspiration...
And the greatest artist the world has ever seen.

The Internet is Addicting

2010-01-25T21:28:00.000-08:00

I made a tumblr account yesterday.
If blogging is a phone conversation, then tumbling is a text message.
short and sweet.
Instead of writing a long blog..
I can use tumblr for my quirks and random thoughts and favorite things for the day.
I am still trying to figure it out.. but it is pretty sweet nonetheless.
One more thing to keep me on the computer longer..
blegh..

Pragmatism in the Christian Music Scene

2010-01-24T14:00:00.001-08:00

I found out last night.. that I really don't appreciate christian artists that dance around on stage like they are gods. I have always liked Third day.. but after he waved at the crowd about 10 times and slapped hands to his "adoring fans".. I lost interest quickly. There was more talk about dancing than there was about Jesus. I'd go to a secular concert if I was looking for that.
I did, however, appreciate Tenth Avenue North last night.. they were the only band that didn't make a big deal of themselves.. they stood there humbly and sang to God, not even promoting their new cd that is coming out in a couple months. They talked about Jesus. period. That 20 minutes was better than all of the other bands put together. And I have seen them perform for longer periods of time before.. and never have they tried promoting themselves.. I could see them in concert endless time because I know I am going to worship.

Yes, I do understand stage presence is important.. and some people may argue it is necessary for a concert. Sometimes, it is okay.. but when it overwhelms the real reason.. i begin wondering the validity of the band's purpose and if they are still keeping their eyes on Jesus.

After Newsong tried selling their cd the 500th time I just looked at JB and Amanda and said.. "Really?"

Maybe I am just being skeptical or pessimistic or something..
but in my head and heart it seems pragmatic.
The music shouldn't be about making money, that's for the rest of the world to do.
It should strictly be about worshiping and moving us to recognize God's grace on His fallen people.
the end.

1 John 5-7

2010-01-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

Faithful Fog

2010-01-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

I feel overwhelmed about this semester already and it hasn't even begun. That has to be a bad sign. I have packed days, everyday. I am not that person who has to be busy all the time. I actually don't understand how a human being can function under pressure.. I just crack. I am that person who requires free time and solitude to even out the busy days. It seems everyone is busy this semester or their heads are jam packed with the question of "what next?"
I just want to encourage my friends, my mentors, my loved ones... don't be too busy or stressed for what the Lord is teaching you right now.
We always worry about the future and what life is going to bring and we forget about enjoying how far God has brought us already. Looking back, I can honestly say with full confidence, that He has guided me to the place I am today. I get butterflies in my stomach just acknowledging that His presence is one of protection and gentle nudging to grow deeper in Him. Two years ago I made a mistake that sent me to a small college that seemed too close to home. But God has revealed to me that this is where He wanted me, no matter the choices I made along the way... I am here and am closer to Jesus than I have ever been. It is too beautiful, too perfect to be a coincidence or a mistake. He shows me evidence in my past that gives me confidence for my future...

Talking with close friends I realize we are all uneasy about what happens after this semester. The future is like freezing fog (which I found is an actual term the other night). It is so hard to see in front of us, until we begin to move... suddenly the looming dark objects become clear that we approach.
God is not just going to give us answers if we are stagnant. God is about movement, flexibility, sacrifice... and growing closer to Him. When my eyes are fixed on the Lord it seems that spiritually (and sometimes worldly) things fall into place. So why do we worry? "It does not add a second on to our life".. In these times of panic about a foggy future and no exact direction.. just embrace what God has done, remember His faithfulness.. and start moving forward from there. It becomes clearer with every step we take.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 22-23

Flowers Behind a Cardboard Wall

2010-01-11T08:21:00.001-08:00

When I came home from Kenya I stopped writing altogether for awhile. I put off the newspaper article I had to write, my journal began collecting dust, my "thank-yous" were on hold... My heart was so heavy that I knew pen and paper would never do justice to what I felt. I bet God felt this way when the bible came into existence.. so much He wanted to share with us, but only so much we would be able to conceive with our human minds. We hadn't seen His beauty and His land, so how could we understand Him fully? Not to compare my writing to the Bible.. I am not blasphemous.. but in a way I wonder if I am feeling an ounce of how God felt, and so He used people to tell stories, used Jesus to recite parables, used humans to sing songs and prophets to give us hope of what will become. So all I can do is write my parables, my stories of a land so far away but still resides in my heart. After being home for a couple weeks and feeling distraught at not knowing what to do.. I grew a little angry with the people around me and with myself. I wanted everyone to do something, do good works and I felt worthless right along with them. So as I sat in a starbucks waiting for my college church service to start one evening.. I felt inspired to finally write something. Something that soaked up my tears and frustrations. I think I am ready to share it now.. This is what I wrote...

"Flowers Behind a Cardboard Wall"

You don't see past your cardboard walls.
Your walls are dull and fake
dissolving in water,
falling in wind,
burning in fire.
You color on the walls, a beautiful landscape of pastels
etched to perfection.
Your lips smile.
You believe it is real.

A gun fires behind your cardboard wall.
You pretend its soundproof- you hear silence.
Behind the wall, children are denied food: a drawn out murder of starvation.
All your eyes see is the Utopian paradise where children play in field of wildflowers.
Outside the wall, winter hits and the petals freeze and shatter on the ground.

Your wall reaches to the heavens- holding the ugly in its place outside the cardboard.
But God will confuse the language of your heart soon enough.

A weed sprouts beneath your foot.
You cover it with cement and tall buildings that echo Mt. Zion.
You cover them in gold and worship with paper and plastic,
finding your worth in false gods of consumerism and fashion.

The weed busts through the weak crack in the cement.
Your foot is easily led to its spindly body,
crushing the very life it was given.

Flowers watch from balconies in disgust.
They are not naive about life outside the cardboard wall.
Weeds and flowers were equal once-
both growing,
both sprouting,
both surviving.
Suddenly, one became ugly and invasive while the other was worshiped in bountiful gardens of color.

I hate your cardboard wall.
My silence can not tear this wall down.
My anger grows another inch to your comfort, your wall.
The more truth you hear, the more you hide.

Have you forgotten that your wall,
that window,
your shallow life,
is not real?
that pastel window is $8 chalk in form of a fairytale scene.
The sun does not always shine in such splendorous rays.
It sometimes burns the petals of your wildflowers-
eating the precious skin
that litters the earth.
Have you forgotten?

I will not speak to you through that cardboard window.
It distorts my words and lies are written on my face.
My eyes do not glimmer in your false sun,
they shimmer in the eerie moon of the forgotten, the hurting.

Instead, I venture into the world of cardboard people telling them the news-
both bad and good.
But when my foot slips in, satan locks the door behind.
He hands me a bouquet of paper flowers and the warmth of the sun feels real.
Slowly, I forget why I came.
I forget about truth and I begin to indulge in me.
But the pastel runs and my flowers smell stale.
I become a silent weeping willow...
stuck.
stagnant.
Loneliness sets in as I recall my freedom in a world I once knew.
I weep.
Sap pours from my bark,
inching down my long limbs,
dripping to the cardboard floor.
The sap stains the ground around me a deep, crimson red.
The color is real and my eyes brighten.
I remember the grace given to me so long ago,
that still runs within me.
I call out.

My roots transform.
I stand on strong legs of muscle and flesh.
And I run.
I flee.
I never look back- fearful of being snared again in worldly lies,
truth being frozen in a pillar of salt.
I flee.

The cardboard walls are flimsy and I easily break free
from the devil's grasp.
But I hear him shriek as he sends his army for me.
Footsteps echo as they approach my exhausted body.
They pursue me.
But, before I am consumed,
a light pierces the heavy blanket of night.
It strikes the demons and blockades them from my heart.

I fall to my knees.
I gasp for breath.
The truth surrounds me and I take it in.
No false sunshine or glistening brooks.
But something within this truth, I realize,
outshines beauty found anywhere else-
within my mind,
within the world,
even within the cardboard walls.

I am free again.
I find safety in the walls of truth that never fall.
I stand upon injustice and will fight for the broken,
and the lost of this very real world.
A world filled with the most glorious wildflowers
that may wilt and die...
but at least have a chance to bask in truth,
and be that light in someone else's life.

--Emily Welch--

Spices and Snow

2010-01-08T12:47:00.000-08:00

I have been obsessed with Spices and Seasoning lately. I made tomato soup today and I think I added more herbs and spices than soup. I even tried some cinnamon and it gave it a sweet and salty kind of taste- definitely different. I like to cook, I think one day I will cook everyday. One day when I have a house and a husband and a kitchen that isn't shared by 3 other girls where I can do what I want.
One day that may be nice. But ideas change.
I may become allergic to parsley one day.

I unburied my car today and packed all 50 ba-jillion ornaments and my Christmas tree into it this afternoon. Its always usually sad to take down the signs of Christmas' existence. But yesterday when I took down the ornaments JB helped me, and he didn't make it as sad. He has a way of making me happy when all I want to do is throw a pity party.

The rest of our friends are heading back from Mexico today and they are going to wish they were back in the warmth when they reach here. But I hope not, I hope they are so excited to be back that the snow doesn't bother them. I am still not tired of it.. because I was away from it for a couple weeks. I missed it like an old friend on Christmas.

I wrote to Dustin Kensrue and JJ Heller today telling them they need to come to Chicago sometime soon. But Dustin is only playing in Cali lately, and JJ has a little baby.. so I don't know if either one will take up my offer.

Well, heading home for a couple days so JB can meet the parents for realz and they can joke about cutting his hair off and I can get embarrassed and he can just laugh..

Peace out world.

Barefoot Faith

2010-01-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

The winter chill seeps through my apartment window and dances lightly across my bare feet and I wish I knew how to fix that problem. I had tried blankets where frosty's fingers could crawl through, but that had little effect... But...then again, I don't rush to get a pair of socks. There is something invigorating about not wearing shoes or socks. I had a dream when I was in Texas that I was running through a stream and then a beautiful field barefoot. I remember the cool and free feeling, until someone stopped me and told me if I kept doing this then I would step on a parasite that would bury into my skin and slowly kill me. I don't know why I remember this dream so vividly when the rest blur into a thousand yesterdays... but I remember my heartbreak at this person's words. I do think dreams have some meaning, and it's our subconscious revealing what we are really going through.

My conclusion.. after the dream coming back to me this morning.. is that my feet represent my freedom through Jesus to not conform to the worries and doubts of this world. Being barefoot is natural and beautiful and free. Trying to live with Jesus at the forefront is beautiful in the heart.. natural in the soul.. and freeing of your body. But the world... the world has different ideas. It tells us we must submit to its standards of conceited ideas and a fast-paced world, Hence the parasite in my foot that could and would slowly kill me.

But do we put shoes on, when we hear this warning? Do we conform to an imprisoned life? No. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will."
Rom 12:2

I love that God gives instruction to non-conformity, even to becoming a Christian blindly. "Leave them" Jesus instructs, "They are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit." Matthew 15:14

I love my barefoot faith, covered in callouses and cuts. I am okay with the fact that many people in my life choose to live in fear of the unknown. But I don't want to be blind anymore. I choose truth and I will test my faith till the day I die with eyes that see both the beauty and destruction of this world.

What I have Learned Thus Far

2009-12-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

As I pack for Christmas vacation, I realize this is the first vacation that I don't feel so anxious to head for the hills. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but the new family I have built with my friends here in Springfield is hard to tear myself away from. Since most of them have left, it is a little bit easier. I also wanted to blog one last time before the new year. I will be heading for Texas tomorrow morning to spend Christmas with my brother and sister-in-law and neph-dog, Rusty. THAT, I can not wait for.. I miss them entirely. I also will miss where I have been. This semester has grown me and shaped me so much, and it is so unfathomable to have a better year than the last.. every year I pursue God.. Each year I encounter difficulties, each moment God calls me back to Him.. each day I come back to Him, even when I don't understand why. And He then romances my soul and helps me to see His truth.. and then wow does it open my eyes and allows me to open my heart to others even more. I am so thankful for the friends that I have lived life with this past semester..My close friends lyndsay, amanda, aby lee, lindsey, amelia, gretchen, liz, dave, kaleigh, debra, brenna.. and probably more I am leaving out.. but you guys have really transformed who I am as a woman.. because God has spoken through you to me, even when you don't realize it. I have seen God through your tears, in your laughter, in our trials, in our worship, with our hands and feet, with your words..I am so thankful for you and your discipleship.
God has also shown me another kind of love this semester that was foreign to me until 3 weeks ago. Entering into a christian relationship with a man who pursues God fervently is like a breath of fresh air. Through JB protectively making sure my faith is strong and not stagnant is just another way of Jesus saying.. "you are worth greater things than this world, you need to keep choosing me, emily". Learning and growing with Jonathan about selflessness and obedience to God in the hard things.. is taking work.. but one of the most amazing experience I have had on this earth. I feel like God is testing us and holding us accountable each day- but that is how I know God is in this as well. What a strange, inconceivable love our God has for us.

Looking out the window of my Larkspur Apartment I silently wish for the snow to follow our car all the way to Texas, leaving a trail of beautiful white ash. But I know I am really wishing for my friends and boyfriend to not leave my head and heart while I am away. Since my best friend has moved out, it has been a little bit scarier and more like real life. I keep catching myself reminiscing and wishing for yesterday.. but then God gently nudges me forward.. telling me tomorrow will be so much better.

What I am most thankful for.. is Jesus. I get emotional just imagining God giving of himself in the most humble and lowly way. I keep thinking of what Ryan said at church last week.. about how Mary and Joseph were nothing special.. all they were, were obedient to God's will.. and look at what He let them experience? I wish for my relationship to be like that.. I can't even begin to start thanking God for redeeming me. I know everyone says this on Christmas.. but we should remember this every day of our life and live accordingly. How amazingly blessed we are that we have a God who forgives us for any and every sin by Jesus' blood... We are no longer tied to this earth's standards, and we no longer find out worth in worldy things or people. We are free to love because we are loved. I can't wait to feel/hear/see God work during my break.. and I can't wait to hear the stories that you guys will have when we see each other again next year...

Crab Rangoon and @replies

2009-12-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

JB and I were experiencing some Chinese food tonight and having some deep conversations of our souls, heaven, death, Godly women and men, etc.. but one of my favorite parts was when we got on the conversation of "what if Jesus had twitter?" And here is what came to me.. I even told JB that I would blog about this. And so i must.

@reply = your interaction with Jesus.. his would be @JesusChrist or @ManUpstairs
RT = when you receive some understanding or clarity from God and share it with others.
DM = prayer and quiet time with God.

Okay, it sounded more amazing amongst crab rangoon and seasame chicken. It was definitely more deep amongst the shady atmosphere of the chinese take-out place. But I think a random blog is okay too.

By the way, I just looked up the spelling of Crab Rangoon.. and never realized it had a random "n" in it. I've been spelling it raggoon this whole time... and living my chinese life a lie. I could never be a ninja.

Also, it was JB's first time having Crab Rangoon.. and he had never even heard of it before.. I was a little in shock, I mean seriously, what do they teach these kids in Alaska?

Well I have procrastinated enough this evening.. it is time to study for finals.

Blessed on Earth

2009-12-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

I know life is a never ending roller coaster of highs, lows, and content mid-ground. It is never the same for long and something will come up in your life that you must battle through or something that happens so great all you can do is smile and thank God. The latter has happened to me lately. A couple weeks ago I was in an extreme low and all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. And then God delivered me after I had mourned. He didn't deliver me immediately.. and I am thankful for His timing, every time.

But as I was saying earlier.. it has been an extreme high since last week and optimistically I know my life will be even greater from here on out. Yet, I also know the roller coaster will dip again through pain and pride and self-worth and I will strap myself in because that's all I know how to do. But God never leaves me through these times. He is as evident in these low times as He is in my surreal and joyful times.

A lot of my blogs talk about my struggles and how God has helped me overcome them. But this blog is about God's rewards. I know a lot of people believe our only reward comes in Heaven. But I don't think I believe that. I love the two bible verses where one states.. "God will give us the desires of our hearts"... and then the other one that says something about how when you are lost in God "your desires become His desires". Isn't that an epic blessing that we receive before heaven? Also.. is the Holy Spirit not an amazing blessing that Jesus sent down to us after He went back to His Father? The kingdom starts here, in the now, and we must live like we have already been saved and freed from sin. Being a christian is not about being another "sheep" of followers in a church. Its about following Jesus and wanting to look like Him.. because He has called US to be saints. Thats right.
"Consequently you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household." Ephesians 2:18

We are members of God's household. If we actually think about that.. it will blow our minds. We are not of this world. Yes, we will still struggle and worry and fear and become arrogant. But with God's help we can overcome it, and while overcoming it.. He will use it to bless us here on earth AND in heaven. He will use it to not only bless us, however. When talking to girls about my past un-godly relationships, it sucked, but I felt God calling me to it. And through that I have seen Him not only transform their lives but to bring me peace about it. He utilized my sins for His kingdom. And I got to feel the benefits the entire time.

And now that i have entered a Christian relationship for the first time I acknowledge God's blessing in it 100%. I know my God is a jealous God and He would not want me with anyone else less worthy. It is an extreme blessing and relief to not fight up current with Him in this issue.. and instead feel the peace and Glory of Him through this.
I have been struggling with what God wants of me lately.. not knowing whether my gifts are enough or if I should step out and overcome my weaknesses. Last night, turning down an opportunity to speak about my past in public, really wrecked my heart. I wasn't sure what God wanted of me or if He'd forgive me for turning down a great opportunity to talk about His glory. JB sent me this verse this morning and it brought tears to my eyes.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

that verse reinforced the love of Christ.. and knowing He will use me when the timing is right. When I miss an opportunity it doesn't mean I have missed out on the Kingdom.. but that He will keep showing me ways to share His loving Word in the ways He has gifted me best...
and I will forever be blessed along with all followers of Christ, here on earth..
until we are eternally blessed in Heaven.

Heaven Song

2009-11-29T16:37:00.000-08:00

Listened to Phil Wickham's new album on the way home, and it kind of rocked my socks off.. though his voice is kind of beautiful and I almost fell asleep, I couldn't change to a different cd. The first song on the album is "Eden". Ironically it fits perfectly with the blog entry I just wrote yesterday about The Fall.. So that was pretty sweet sauce..

And then I continued listening to it when I got back to Springfield, and Heaven Song began playing. I tuned in to the lyrics and I was filled with awesome wonder.
I'm pretty sure I want this song played at my funeral celebration one day.

Oh, and today is my birthday.. and I feel so blessed to be surrounded by amazing, awesome loving friends and family. So thanks for that, yo's.. you know who you are :)

After the Fall

2009-11-28T08:06:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about "the fall of man" lately. Probably because as I am reading "searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller.. He is talking about it quite a lot. He keeps referring to what was and what is.. and how Adam and Eve would think we were all crazy running around in cotton and trying to out-do everyone at everything. How when the fall happened, we stopped relying fully on God and began relying on what others thought of us. It is a sin ran to our childhood when we begged for attention from our parents and siblings. I could never get enough praise as a kid.. and today I can be the same way.

I was taking a walk yesterday just breathing in God's creation for mankind's enjoyment, when all the joy and happiness I had been feeling came to a hauntingly stop. Ahead of me I saw a small mound of fur alongside the road, and I held my breath as I passed by the dead squirrel. Sure, roadkill is everywhere... but I realize every time I see it, that I will never get used to it. As I stared at the little critter I was filled with sadness. Okay, I am a blubbering fool when it comes to animals, but all I could think about was.. this would not have been the same picture Adam and Even would have seen before the fall. They would have never seen a dead squirrel lying alongside their path.
And it made me sad for humanity.
Adam and Eve never knew jealousy, lust, pride, anger... any of that.. until they ate of the tree. God fulfilled them to the brim.
No deceit.. no dead squirrels.
It seems almost impossible to stop seeing death and destruction and to see the hope in the world getting any better. It is hard to look beyond blood and fur and see that our sins are washed clean. It is almost impossible to believe in a Jesus, a perfect God, that isn't physically seen except for the miracle of a sunrise. It is almost impossible to imagine a world without pain, anxiety, worry..doubt.

But that is what is promised to us one day. And I can't wait to see our reward in a land of milk and honey... In the presence of a God who will not allow us to feel pain any longer.

Some Things I believe.

2009-11-26T20:47:00.001-08:00

I was having a discussion with my dad the other day about sticking up for what we believe in. I agree that we should be bold in our belief... but also be open minded enough to hear what others have to say about theirs. I have been wrong many times, and I am not naive to think I have this world.. this faith.. figured out.
I decided to list things I believe in.. of course, some minor issues may be subject to change.. because there is much more gray area than black and white..

I believe in a love from my Heavenly Father that I will never fathom.
I believe sunrises and star gazing is the closest to understanding God's grandness and beauty.
I believe I am neither republican or democrat, and would rather evaluate the person not the party.
I believe every person obtains goodness and evil, and "bad guys" are myths.
I believe in Godly relationships that require spiritual growth from their spouse.
I believe in having babies no matter what, but loving those who decide to abort.
I believe we are all hypocrites.
I believe money is the root of all evil... along with MTV.
I believe America is worse off spiritually than most foreign countries due to consumerism.
I believe 1-on-1 conversations about life, changes lives.
I believe God gives us amazing opportunities to enter into the bigger story.
I believe wildflowers are more beautiful than roses.
I believe the death sentence is a form of judgment that we don't hold the keys for.
I believe worship is outside of just singing and needs to enter in our daily lives.
I believe in loving every person equally no matter what.
I believe "love at first sight" does not exist, because true love grows.
I believe that God created many people to live in community and enjoy each other's company.
I believe storms showcase a tiny measure of God's invigorating power.
I believe the end times could be any day now and I am okay with that.
I believe "feminism" made it worse for females.
I believe most atheists and scholars who argue against a God secretly hope they are proven wrong.
I believe rainbows after a storm still remind us of God's promise.
I believe the bible is relevant today.
I believe a man and a woman both play separate but equally important parts in life.
I believe that coffee is amazing.
I believe you can see God work in anything if you just open your eyes and mind.
I believe friendships are give, give, give... and accept love.
I believe our "gifts" are not only seen by eyes but also felt by our actions.
I believe Jesus died on the cross and rose to conquer ALL of my sins.
I believe it is not a sin to drink, Jesus drank wine and his spirits were high.
I believe it is a sin to become drunk and be immature about it.
I believe God gave us the family we are in for a purpose and we need to find out why.
I believe we learn and grow from every bad experience we go through.
I believe we will never know what happened to the dinosaurs or when Armageddon is.
I believe the label "christian" has been misused and destroyed in America.
I believe laughing is true medicine.
I believe nature is to be taken care of and enjoyed.
I believe photographs fade and ink smears but our memories remember what is important.
I believe we are never low enough in darkness to see the light shining above.

I believe change is near.

Come Around

2009-11-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

One thing I really like about the Christian faith.. is that love is the essential ingredient to produce disciples. A song reminded me of this today.. we don't need laws, rules, conventions, theology ,etc. Those things are nice, but the way we reach people is through love. bottom line.

"I thought I'd win them all with words.
Say a smooth little rhyme to win the room every time
and they'd be moved by what they heard..
my tongue is empty as my heart.
its not enough to play the part.
Oh Jesus, give me more than words.

We press our paper facts..
and we know they won't come around
we can debate theology
but they wont come around
apologetic reasoning..
but they wont come around
there's only one way they'll come..
and its love.."

...maybe for a minute i can get back to the heart of it..
sure i've got zeal, but does love have a part in it?
Passionate words, and beautiful phrases..
they just don't mean much if I don't have Jesus in it.. in it.."

Those are some random lyrics of "Come Around" by Jimmy Needham, and you can listen to it below. I hope those words speak to how you are loving, today.

Now

2009-11-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

I wrote this short story sitting in Panera on the afternoon of August 20th of 2009, and tonight in criminal justice class, instead of paying attention, I decided to edit it. I usually go through 1-3 drafts before agreeing it is mediocre. So I thought I'd share it with my blog readers. It is about 4 pages, so I hope its not too long to read. Let me know what you all think... constructive criticism is always welcome.

Now

The bloated and dirty vinyl cushion indented in a small poof as the tall yet slender woman sat down upon it. She pushed herself deeper in the booth so that she felt the wall guarding the right side of her body. A little girl across the room let out an obnoxious giggle followed by an even more obnoxious "shhhh" from her mother. The tall woman was alone today. Her senses were aroused like a dog’s when it’s food hits the bottom of its dinner pan. The espresso machine coughed up a lung and the male employee nonchalantly pressed down the lever. She wondered where his mind had gone. About an hour after he clocked in, he had left his body and began a journey into his past memories and future hopes, his "now" running on auto-pilot. This was all reflex in order to leave the mundane world of his 8-hour-shift. His hair was tousled to the side, but not in an attractive, urban way purposefully messed up to look as if he didn’t care but secretly did. He really didn’t. He finished up the order with a strained smile and the predictable, “Have a nice day” as he handed the venti double shot mocha to a pre-teen girl who looked as if she needed anything but a double shot. He began this process all over again with the next customer who stepped up to the small counter. As they finished their request his eyes glazed over again.

“Reece?”

The tall brunette snapped back to her own present and glanced up at the smiling red-headed, middle aged woman who held a tray of food. Her nametag said Marge.

“Yep, thanks.” Reece replied in a small voice from her corner in the room. Her salivary glands burst in her mouth at the sight of her chicken Caesar salad that was placed in front of her. With a smile of thanks to the middle-aged woman Reece sank her teeth into her lunch. She didn’t have to wait on anyone to start eating, she was solo at her table. The chair across the table was brightly lit by the sun streaming through the window as if in agreement with her thoughts. Highlighting her phantom friend. Eating by yourself takes practice; she discovered. There is no pacing since there is no conversation, and with each bite you want to force the next one down in fear that others will wonder why you are here by yourself. Eat quickly and get out.

But today, Reece chewed her blend of lettuce and chicken in small and pleasurable amounts. What was the rush? She looked up from her food, glancing at the people around their tables, defensive animals blockading plates and drinks from the other consumers around them. A young couple was in an engaging conversation. Their voices escalating and descending between mountains and rolling valleys of dialogue. The man’s expression was serious, his brow intense as he took his turn listening to the woman with black dreads sitting before him. Reece assumed they spoke in riddles of their past and flowery poetry of their future. Neither talked of the present- no talk of weather or their food preference. They knew each other too well to devote precious minutes to the pettiness of the now.

“Virginia, your order is ready” a monotone man wearily announced over the speaker. Reece grinned when she matched the bored voice to the disheveled-haired employee. She analyzed that he was in his mid-twenties at least. His green eyes were only noticeable under his messy hair when he focused his gaze out the large windows. Reece followed his sight out of the coffee shop and realized he wasn’t staring at the traffic of today. His pupils found the road blocks, the rush hour and the open highways of what he is to expect in his near, and possibly, far future. She too began drifting. Sitting her fork down with a small ting she began to write...

Time is not only two hands ticking without reason in a circle ending a day and the next second beginning a new one. It is the biological clock that we depend on, that determines our destiny and what happens when we run out of it. We don’t notice the crease of a line forming in the seconds we stare at our own reflection in a mirror. But in a decade we look back to a picture of our youth and realize that our skin has aged, our hair has grayed and we don’t laugh as freely as we once had.

Reece picked at the remainder of her salad, the iceberg lettuce that shouldn’t be fed to anyone let alone a paying customer, which littered the bottom of her plate. She was now twenty-two, a grad student in Colorado, who liked to read literature and paint. She didn’t have much else to be proud of. She called her mom at least once a week so she wouldn’t worry about her daughter being on her own at such a distance. When she spoke through the phone she smiled at how close she seemed, no distance was a distance anymore with today’s technology. This comforted her mother, as if their words were a buoy in an open sea of shark infested waters. Reece didn’t miss home much until Autumn began showing her true colors in the blushing hues of red, orange and yellow leaves that held on to the trees in a farewell embrace. Its as if the leaves are torn. They despise the fall for forcing them from their comfortable home, but are exhilarated at the beautiful colors they receive before venturing into the wind and the unknown.

Reece's mind got lost in the trees remembering the fateful day she accepted a school so far from everything she knew. Floundering like a newborn baby she had to start over again. She was excited at first but as her car began racking up miles she began to stare out the rear view mirror more frequently. She told her friends she would call and keep in touch, but as she spoke the words they tumbled out as false hopes. She hated talking on the phone and knew she would lose the closeness she had with many of the people she loved. The wind led her along the highway as she put more space between the known and unknown.

“Are you finished?”

Reece fluttered her eyes, regaining consciousness and turned from the window she hadn’t realized she was still staring out of. The messy-haired, bored employee was looking at her questioningly. He had obviously thought cleaning up after people would break the mundane task of taking orders. He reached for her plate.

“Oh, yeah, I am finished. Thank you...” Reece looked at his nametag, “Jake”.

The man hesitated but then realized that he was wearing his name on his shirt. He blushed at his confusion and entered the now, finally seeing Reece sitting before him.

“Yeah, I forget I am wearing this thing.” He picked at the gaudy, gold tag on his tee. His shirt was weathered and had a stretched out neckline, with the rest of it fitting snug to his swimmer’s build. A statement screamed at her from the front of it, “What Now?” it asked in bold letters. She smiled up at him forgetting that she was in the same world as him just minutes ago.

“I was wondering the same thing.” Reece pointed to his shirt. The man, who she noticed looked a bit older up close, glanced down.

“I found this in the thrift store downtown. Thought it would be appropriate for work.” He cracked a sarcastic grin and looked at the tablet beside Reece’s plate.

“What are you writing about?”

She followed his gaze. She was writing about Fall. The changing of seasons. Truth. Time. Life ending. Life beginning.

Unsure of how to explain her prose she did something unexpected, something she wouldn’t have done back home. It takes new places and new experiences to make a person do new things, she thought.

Reece slid the tablet across the table to the stranger, allowing him to see the depths of her heart, emotions and her very own soul in ink. He was taken aback at first but quickly recovered. With a glance over his shoulder to make sure no one was at the counter, he picked up her written words delicately in his large hands. She hadn’t written much, most of her time spent in the coffee shop had taken place in her foggy memories and dreamy future, and had forgotten to write it down in the now, so it didn’t take him long to read it. He sat the pad of paper down with a sigh and he looked at her again with a strange, half-smile. The look spoke to her in a multitude of ways. She knew he was searching for an answer to who she was, he was interested but wary to begin a new friendship, or maybe more. Was she worth his time in the now, when he could be dreaming up a perfect future? In this future he would never see a gray sky or hear a crying child, would never feel a broken heart or feel the agony of breaking a heart. He was safe there and she knew he was debating this as he searched her face. But reality clouded fantasy, and he decided to venture in the now.

“Would you like to discuss this more? I get off in an hour...” His voice trailed and didn’t let any hope surface.

It was now Reece’s turn to be the debater of what her destiny would hold. She knew God gave her these moments in time that were monumental, yet she had the free will to choose whether or not to follow. She glanced out the window to what could be and then back at her poetry of what was. A tear was beginning on the corner of her notepad. It was purchased a week ago and it was already deteriorating at her touch. The world was slowly falling to waste around the two as his question hung heavily above them like a cloud about to give birth to torrential rain. People were dying, decisions being made, births were bringing families joy, people were defying humanity, some were finding Jesus, some were finding drugs, others were telling bedtime stories to their children. The world was still revolving. Time would not stand still even in epic moments as this. Reece knew her life would be easier without him, without anyone, without the acknowledgment that time is running out. But when she looked out the window she saw his honest face reflected back at her and where she saw her future he was standing there.

“Yeah, “ Reece looked up, “I’ll still be here...”

Glory for Who?

2009-11-16T19:48:00.001-08:00

As I write this I realize my eyelids are batting a little slower than usual and my thoughts will probably come out in a blob of oozing confusion, but it is essential to remember today. Today I saw God work in great ways. Ways that may have been small to some, but joyful in my heart.

The last few days I have been on a roller coaster of stress, nerves, worry, anticipation, excitement, confusion and exhaustion. I thought the world rested on my shoulders those few days and one small move I would wreck existence.. kind of selfish, don't you think? Yeah, apparently this is just one way God showed me the wrinkles that still need to be ironed out in trusting Him. I realized that I wanted to do Advent Conspiracy FOR God's glory, yet did I ever sit down and ask him what He wanted to be done? Did I let Him in on His own Glory? Last night, while I was sitting in the dark talking to Him I felt very convicted of this.

"So yeah, ya know God, guess I should have seen what You wanted to do on Jesus' birthday...Since He IS your son and all..."

Hypocrite.

That's how I felt last night, and I realized why I was feeling the pressure of the world and not sleeping because of stress. Why was it so hard to be still and listen? to wait? Does this shine true in other aspects of my life? I know it has to, but I am blind to ever notice. But God showed me my wrongs. The next morning, this morning, I got on my knees and gave the day to Him and what He wanted to happen.

And today happened awesomely.

I have never been so impacted by friends as I have been the last few days. I have been surrounded by love and prayers on a crazy level. And then today I got to see my friends and fellow students really get excited about [AC] and want to change our nation's outlook on Christmas... when they'd speak up and tell by-passers about it.. My heart sang.

There were many opportunities of people approaching us, and either agreeing with what we were doing or getting into a spiritual conversation about how they could do this even if they weren't a christian. And I felt God giving us the words to say in those times.

Though I was dragging by the end of the night.. I had some great meaningful conversations with friends, strangers and students.. and as we walked away I looked back at the table in relief and could boldy state that by God's power, and His glory, it had been a victorious day.

My Someone who Means Everything

2009-11-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I fall apart at the seams,
of a garment sewn haphazardly.
My legs break beneath the weight,
of a table built by child's play.

steel bends when chemicals don't mix precisely.
my stomach ties in knots when opportunities turn to expectations.
fire dies when the wood is soaked from morning dew,
but the flicker gives me hope of a dry land I once knew.

music has no sweet melody,
the notes are flat as a mesa that I stand upon,
staring down into the abyss.
the notes are as sharp as the jagged rocks,
glaring up at me with harsh cackles...
waiting for my fall.

my heart beats dimly inside a hollow chest,
a treasure chest with jewels that mean nothing to anyone.
I want it to mean something to somebody.
anything to everyone...
Everything to Someone.

Am I searching too deep?
The wheels turn without acceleration...
I long to feel the breeze slide over my face
and through my hair.
I long to see the invisible love of Christ
in a child's grinning profile.
I long to physically see the spiritual embrace
of God in a broken marriage.
I long to hear the unheard whisper of Jesus
in a war-torn country who has never witnessed hope.

But I fall apart when I am sewn up by my own hands.
My needle breaks and the string splinters at touch.
I want Him to be my someone,
to fill my hollow chest of doubt with
beautiful wild flowers, that never wither.
I fall to my knees knowing Jesus is that only someone who
means anything to this no one.
Who makes me something in His Everything way.

Emily Welch 11/14/09

How Being a Leader Changes Things

2009-11-12T22:04:00.000-08:00

I am weirded out that Advent Conspiracy is actually happening at UIS. It may not be a big smashing hit the first year.. but it is really amazing to see a little idea transform, with help of many brains and hearts, into this creature unraveling before me. I can't even comprehend how God makes these things happen, but I am so excited to be in the mix. I am humbled to see how this affects my own life.. and how I must live this out, or I will be a major hypocrite. It is only about 5% flattering to be a leader, I've realized.. and the rest of the 95% is doggy paddling with your head barely above water.. But not in a negative sense.... though the thought of drowning is normally a negative connotation. I realize that wasn't the best analogy, but I am good at that. What I mean is that I have had to look at my pride a lot. Take a step back and get on my knees.. Shakah God, as Dave taught us.. and really humble ourselves. Tonight in worship practice I told my team that I had pride issues. And to be honest, I don't know how to fix it.. but all I know is that it makes me want to vomit and I want to be like Jesus more than anything. Sometimes, okay, normally, I don't admit such translucent sins... because we want people to think we aren't "that person". Mainly.. because prideful people get under my skin more than anyone in the world. Ironic? Yes.. I knew God had a sense of humor.. He probably tunes into the Office at 8:00 every Thursday as well. I wouldn't doubt it. And so by seeing these people and despising their actions.. I am really only seeing myself in them.. and hating the little part of my heart that hasn't succumbed to God's will, yet.

Advent Conspiracy is super exciting.. but it has put me in a place that I have always shied away from.. and I am glad for it. I am glad Jesus wants me to deal with these issues in a community that will love me no matter what. So, whomever reads this.. this is my confession, and you can hold me accountable...

I do declare...

Gossip

2009-11-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

What is the attraction of talking about people? I don't say this to condemn anyone, I just wonder why we feel the need? And it isn't just about being spiteful.. I constantly find myself in situations where it would be the "cool" thing to bash someone in order to keep a conversation flowing... How messed up are we?

A perfect example happened last night and I felt the Holy Spirit warning me. A person facebook chatted me to tell me of how one of my relatives had done something awful... and how I was not like her at all. The person openly started bashing her and her deed and it stirred something inside. This relative is not close to me.. and we barely talk but once a year due to our family fued that began and ended with our fathers. I still try to keep up relations, but its hard to go against my parents as well. So, in theory, I could have bashed her. On the surface her "sin" is pretty big and people back home will be talking about it for awhile. I would have saved face by denouncing being emotionally related.

But the stirring turned to anger against the person trying to spread the gossip. And so I took a deep breath and calmly wrote "no, I don't talk to her much anymore, so I have no idea what kind of person she is.. but she is my relation and I won't speak badly against her. She is probably hurting as well." And I left it at that. This of course made the gossiper start agreeing that everyone makes mistakes.. and I agreed that I definitely was not perfect either, and then logged off.

I hate the brand you get for being a Christian, its like we are the Heinz of the world and our ketchup only tastes and looks the same. I also hate that some sins are looked at to be "bigger" than other sins. Didn't Jesus say that murder in your heart is still a murder? Isn't lusting over a married man the same as committing adultery? Dang... we are all freakin' guilty. Why speak harsh things about a girl who is committing an abortion when you have killed people with sarcasm...

Sometimes I am so sick of fake people that I want to vomit. And then I look in the dusty mirror and see that I am fake sometimes, too.

Thank goodness we have hope in Jesus.. or I'd be in a world of backstabbing where I would have to break every mirror I came across, just so I wouldn't have to see the hypocrisy in my own eyes.

My Gremlin: Carol

2009-11-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

It is interesting to think of how our thought process works. And the fact that I am thinking about thinking makes me have a headache just thinking about it. So I don't anymore. But it is nice when the process passes by little memories of our lives and then pulls in and parks. Some days my thoughts randomly hit some of the kids we met in Kenya last summer. And when I say kids, there are a few that are brought to the front of my sight. Such as my crazy, gremlin Carol.
Carol is not an orphan, but her family sends her to the orphanage in Gathiga for schooling. I was glad she had a family, at least one parent, but selfishly I wanted her to remain there 24/7 so I could have seen her all the time- but she would leave after lunch. I must be a horrible person to wish that, but I did, and if you met her you would want to be with her all the time as well. Carol didn't really talk much. Instead...she would growl or hiss or laugh, or anything that sounded like a wild animal. She wasn't a touchy-feely type of kid- so we got along great. She would let me hold her but she wasn't big on hugs or showing affection, which I was okay with. Most of our dialogue was me giving her attitude, "Girrrrrrl what you say?" and she would mimic me back in a foreign tongue that would make me laugh hysterically. I am pretty sure that if I was a small black child.. I would be Carol.
As my days there progressed I noticed Carol was mostly a loner. She kind of followed people around with her little knitted hat, observing them, taking in the hyper active kids around her and the strange white people who smiled too much.
Amanda and I would remark what cool style she had, and pretended that the layers or skirts/shirts/sweaters were because of style and not because she was cold. When I held her hand, it chilled my own hand and went straight to my heart. I began referring to Carol as my gremlin and would search for her every morning. She began warming up to me and I eventually would get a smile when she saw me.
One particular morning sticks out to me, it was the day before we left Gathiga, and Carol had worn her little knitted cap once again. Some of the kids began taking it from her and running away. It was a chilly morning so I would playfully chase the kids and retrieve it to her. Carol would never chase them because they were bigger. She knew she couldn't catch them. She also knew I would get it for her. and I did, every time.
But then the next time it happened, I didn't move. I wanted to see what she would do, how she would react. She needed to fend for herself, was my thought process.
She watched the kids run off with her hat without emotion on her face... for awhile.

And then I heard the most heartbreaking sound. I was shocked to hear Carol let out a huge, pitiful wail of tears. A little boy next to me ran to get the hat back to me. And in 2.5 seconds I had scooped her up and placed her cap back over her cold ears. The rest of the day Carol sweetly stayed on my lap until she had to leave. She eventually settled down and realized she was safe again. She should have realized it at least, because no one was going to take her hat while she was on my watch.

I bet God would love to bring my hat back when people steal it from me. He would love to rescue me from every painful and hurtful deed done against me. I bet his fingers twitch when I am persecuted in the smallest way.
But a lot of times He does not move.
He waits to see the footstep I will take.
Will I chase my enemy and curse them... or will I patiently love them?

Carol showed me something about God.
He hears our cries.
As I ran to her in a heartbeat, God too will run to me when I cry out to Him.
What a lovely picture of Jesus. He lets us experience our lives by testing our faith because it grows us wiser, yet when we get lost along the way He answers our tears with arms tightly wrapped around us- protecting us from the evil the world and spiritual realm possesses.

I'm glad our memories fire glimpses of our past. What I know now is so much more than what I knew then. Last summer Carol was just a little girl I adored, and today she is a little girl that reflects how Jesus works.

Losing a Furry Sister

2009-11-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

My Halloween wasn't quite the same this year. The afternoon of the 31st my dad called and said our dog, Molly, had to be put to sleep that morning. Apparently, the night before he found her in the field and she was paralyzed because she had had a stroke. She was 7 or 8, so it was kind of sudden and I was taken aback. Mom was pretty upset, so I decided I would surprise her by coming home.

Honestly, it was weird coming home and not hearing little paw taps on the floor or her anxious whines when I opened the door. I kept forgetting she wasn't there and I always expected to find her curled on the rug in my room, one of her favorite places to be. At dinner, after I had pulled the mushrooms off my pizza, I realized I had no little moocher under the table to slide them to. My little dog was really gone. I never thought it would hit me so hard.. it's a dog, right? Get over it. But she became a part of the family.. unsociable as she was... she loved us. And yes, I grudgingly loved her.

On Halloween night I went outside to the little grave my parents had made for her by the bushes. I was surprised to feel so emotional for an animal. Molly hadn't been my favorite dog.. Scruffy (the little mutt who I grew up with since I was one) was my love. But Molly did fill in the holes that were broken when Scruffy passed away. Molly was a beautiful dog that made my mom and dad extremely content when my brother and I left home. She was their 3rd child. And as mom would repeat.. "My sister". My grandma loved her so much, she made a special trip to Wendy's to get her chicken nuggets. Molly was a fat dog.

As I stared down at the little grave that was outlined by the moonlight I felt silly to be crying. But, your pets become a part of the family, the old rumor goes. I suppose she was, as much as I tried to hide it.

I love the Rain the Most, When it Stops.

2009-10-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

I hear the musician Joe Purdy's rough and fluidly folksy voice sing in my head "I love the rain the most..when it stops" as I glance out the window to a landscape masked by rain drops on glass, mother nature's mosaic of tears. I don't necessarily mind rain- it is essential. But this rain is insistent on bringing spirits down of all the people it falls upon like a thick blanket that suffocates hope. It has been raining for over two weeks now, almost non-stop, and I am tired of my feet soaking in mud puddles and my pant legs dripping. I do roll them at the bottom, but I think the rain and my jeans have a pact and somehow they unroll and gets wet anyways.

We have a lot of spiritual rain, whether you love Jesus or not. We were given souls that are totally out of our scientific minds to grasp. Psychologists try understanding how we are "feeling" by theories and formulas based on our behavior... but the soul is so complex that it is as unpredictable as rain. I think the weather man is the only person on earth that can make 75% mistakes on the job, and not be fired. Its hard to predict whether or not God decides to shower us or bring us sunlight, and I think it is a parallel at how He works and also, since we are in His image, how we work.

I just attended a conference in Aurora called "Story". The majority of the speakers spoke on how pain is essential to our story. Don Miller said something about how conflict in our story, our life, is what grows us and makes us stronger- brings Glory to God. Conflict is good. In scripture, one of my favorite passages is Romans 12:12, where Paul calls us to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". He knows, because God knows, that affliction is inevitable, so be patient and while we wait patiently, be joyful that hope is near.. and faithfully await its arrival. Faithfully await the sunshine. The sun is not appreciated until the rain and clouds block it out for days. Just as we would not appreciate Jesus' sacrifice if we didn't go through so much pain that we needed to be redeemed by His atoning blood.

So yes, I love the rain the most.. when it stops, because that is when I grow and feel the joy of Jesus helping us to overcome the trials and pain that we had felt for so long. Just as a flower must have both rain and sun, so must I. No psychologist or scientist can predict when our soul will discover this truth. Just as we can not predict what God will call us to do next... but whether it be rain or shine, conflict or contentment, depression or joy... we patiently await the sun.

Gladys

2009-10-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

I have yet to blog about Kenya, yet, which is strange for me. But I found when I came home I had so much on my heart and in my head- that it was difficult to pin point one experience. I finally sat down and wrote an article for the paper.. but I only picked out a handful of stories and it still went to about 8 pages.

One sweet memory, that I doubt I will ever forget is of the last day I spent with gentle Gladys.
Gladys didn't know much english, and so I had Lucy tell her that the beanie baby that she was holding was from me, and that I wanted her to have it. When Lucy told her, Gladys smiled up at me with her sweet grin and huge eyes... and then ran away. I just laughed at her retreating form. I was used to it by then.

Gladys wasn't like the other kids at the orphanage- she was shy and timid- and always gentle. She was the only kid that didn't want to be held or loved on, but would keep her distance with a smile, always a smile. After a couple days of her warming up to me, she finally decided I was trustworthy enough to hug. One day, as I sat on the ground playing with the kids I felt her small hand tap my foot. She was building something out of sticks and stones, maybe a miniature fireplace or landscape. I couldn't tell, but she was so tedious and every piece was in its proper place. My first thought was, "Gladys is an Artist".. and through a huge smile I expressed to her how wonderful it was. By the last night she had completely attached herself to me, and my heart filled to the brim when she fell asleep on my lap.

So as Gladys ran away from me on that last day, clutching the beanie baby that I had received as a child, I smiled. It was just her way, I thought. But I was totally blown away when she came back with something held in her small fingers. She looked up and held a beautiful purple flower, that she had plucked, for me to take. She was saying thanks, and giving me a present in return. The most beautiful thing she could find, she offered to me in response. I stared at her, open-mouthed, for a minute before I realized her sweet gesture and then I gave her a hug goodbye.

A simple flower broke down the language barriers that our different worlds tried to separate us by. I wonder if God feels a similar way when we come running back to him with a token of our love. She taught me how wonderful it feels to be chosen..
and I will forever choose my God.

Gladys is on the left side with the huge smile.

A Strange Night

2009-10-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

Its been a strange night for sure.

Around 5:00 my dad called to tell me that my great-grandmother, (Mamy Kibler), my little 94-year-old pistol of a french grandma, had passed away. Anyone who knew Emelyne, said she would outlive us all, so when I saw her this past weekend.. just yesterday... and saw her laying in bed, suffering, I said a prayer right then with tear rimmed eyes that God would take away her suffering in any way He saw fit. She was ready to go, she had told me countless times, and as I bent over her frail frame and kissed her forehead whispering that I loved her, she gasped out "thank you for coming to see me" and that she loved me too. I knew deep within my heart that that moment could be my very last spent with her. The next day, God took her home.

After small group tonight Amelia, Amanda, Lyndsay and I went to the "No Hate" peace rally on campus. Last weekend a hate crime happened just outside my apartment and apparently because some guys beat up a homosexual student. I was appalled. And still feel sick that people are so hateful and violent. Unforunately, I feel like growing up I was exposed to a lot of hatred towards people who are different.. and I have had to re-learn how Jesus teaches. As I stood at the rally I felt a sense of freedom.. knowing my parents would not approve me being at such a rally.. how many from my hometown would scoff at our actions... but I kept my eyes on Jesus.. what in the world would He be doing right now? He would definitely be standing beside me telling the hateful world that they could throw the first stone if they had no sin in their own life. He teaches me to love each day.. and to break free from old fashioned teachings that constrict me from loving people.. ALL people... whether they be Jews, Homosexual, Islamic, Agnostic, Atheist, etc... It is easy to love someone who your religion says its okay to love inside the church. But it's Jesus-love when we step outside of the church.. BE the church.. and love the people the religious-ideals tell us to stay away from and hate. That is when true character shines.. and our faith is tested and tried.
Tonight was a huge step for my thinking, and another foot of growth on my faith and awe in my Creator.

Process

2009-10-02T22:49:00.001-07:00

I think every day that God spends with us is kind of like Christmas morning to Him. He gets so excited to watch, listen and respond to us- and every time we unwrap another gift of truth from Him, I can just picture His eyes welling with tears and smiling from ear to ear. He is a God of process. He doesn't just tell us the answers. He doesn't just show us the easy way out.

When our small group discussed Noah and the Flood last week, all I could think about was the process that Noah and his family had to go through. God could have, so simply, killed and evaporated all the people from the earth and left Noah and his family safely alone. It would have been simple and quick. But no.. God makes Noah and his sons build this huge ark that takes forever and a day... and then ride in this ginormous boat with nasty animals and elephant poo and whiny family members for months and months. I wonder if they could hear the drowning going on outside of the ark... And while he was building the ark his neighbors were probably calling him an idiot.
I wonder if Noah ever thought how ridiculous it all was. He was a firm believer, so I wonder if He ever thought.. "okay God.. can you please just snap your finger and lift that pile of wood over there and finish this thing for me?" But God distinctly walked with Noah as he went through the steps of building, riding, waiting, learning, hoping and finally..thanking.

God is a God of process. In our own lives how many times have we been struggling through something and want it to just be over with. "If God would only rescue me from this right now.. If God would take away the pain I am feeling after a divorce.. If Christ would only show me the path I am supposed to take for a career. If only this cancer would be defeated...."

God loves to see us joyful and content... but He is also concerned with how we grow in our faith. Without experience, there is no growth. It is kind of the same idea as when a mother or father lets a child experience something for themselves.. because if they constantly are babied and never learn for themselves- then they never gain logic from the situation. Some things are too dangerous to experience ourselves and God will try His hardest to steer us from them (Just as a mother would NOT let her child stick its finger in an electrical outlet for the experience), God will not give us anything we can't handle- nothing that will harm our spirit. We do, however, tend to ignore Christ (What? Not me!) Yes.. probably you. Because I do sometimes.. and when I do, I stick my finger right in to that electrical outlet and get shocked every time. But when we are ready to listen to God again.. He is waiting.. and He will help us understand that what we did was detrimental to our faith, and shows us the truth in His word. (And..through processing our past..He is with us building our wisdom)

Christ is not concerned with a quick outcome- He is all about taking you by the hand and walking through the situation with you. So instead of asking for a quick "out" of your pain.. Find the truth and light of each day. See where the Lord is speaking to you in little moments of the "now" and stop searching for the "when". He is probably trying to show you a new chapter in your life.. a new gift ready to be unwrapped. He wants to be the one to give you insight and logic that will change how you view life.

He wants to be in your process.

psalm 124

2009-09-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

My friend, Lindsey and I have been doing a Beth Moore Study about the "Psalms of Ascent". I have been getting so much out of it and have felt not only the presence of God, but of Satan's power as well. Satan is real, and I think when we fail to acknowledge his ploys, we forget the damage he can do when left unchecked. I told Lindsey that its ironic that its so simple to accept God's grace and in essence Christianity is so simple.. yet in following Christ it is complicated. The closer I get to God.. the tighter I feel satan trying to grasp my ankles and whisper lies to me.
Thank goodness my God is big.
He has no patience with demons and sends them away from His daughter...thats me.
And that gives me hope, that even when I struggle to find a reason for my life.. that God has the reason already figured out. *phew*

One of my favorite parts of the study is when Lindsey and I get to re-write the psalm we had been studying. This is so inspiring to not only read the psalm but to make it very personal and apply it to my own life. I hope, one day, to re-write them all.. Here is one that I would like to share. It would be more of an impact if you read the real psalm first, though. This goes along with what I was talking about earlier.. with satan trying to win me over after I chose Jesus.

Psalm 124

Where would I be without my protector?
Where would YOU be, thou believers?

Gossip, whispers, hurtful words, passing glances
would have ripped my heart and left me bleeding
alongside humanity's trodden road.

The angry winds would have torn at my soul
until I was left naked and alone...
vulnerable for the wolves to devour.

But God shields me like a warm, thick blanket
bringing warmth and peace to my shaking bones
and bandages my heart with His power.

He fights off the demons that circle my head and taunt
ridiculous accusations.
He barricades the door to my heart to any real damage
and when I feel the slightest pain he holds me in arms
that felt pain of crucifixion before I was even born.

Out of Place

2009-09-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have days when you realize how much we aren't cut out for this world? I just get in moods every once in awhile where I feel so out of place... I just don't fit in anywhere. When I first get this feeling it makes my stomach hurt, because I fear rejection, so it always kind of hurts. But then I get to thinking.. Christ made us new.. He made us saints to one day live with Him in His Kingdom. Then my hurt turns to hope. So in these little times of the day when I feel awkward, un-liked, or rejected I turn to Jesus and say... "Yeah, well, you were rejected first... so what do I have to complain about? Actually... I should be honored I don't fit here. It tells me my Home is with You." Thank goodness that's the case, because if I didn't have a permanent Heavenly home.. I would be searching and feeling out of place for the rest of my life.

tears and laughter

2009-09-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

Is it weird to just have moments.. maybe even a day.. where you just feel the urge to cry? I am not really an emotional person.. I may have laughed in Time Traveler's Wife and The Notebook... but I'm not heartless, I promise! :)
I grew up not showing my tears when dealing with sadness or pain. I don't know what it feels to cry in your mom's arms after a break up, which I would still feel strange doing. I am not saying this for pity, its just how I was raised, I don't really feel remorse for it, its just how I am. However, I do think I want my daughter to cry in my arms. I want to be that comfort when life is unbearably hard. I hear that crying and laughter are medicine.. its good to do both. I laugh a lot, maybe too much in certain situations.. but I like being joyful, who doesn't?

But sometimes I have to force myself to cry, because all my hurts, pains, rejections, insecurities build up and up, like a teetering stack of books. I either have to knock them down myself, or sometimes they topple over unexpectedly.

Kind of like today. My mood has been really good lately, I have had some curve balls thrown at me.. but I am just experiencing God in SO many ways.. and really connecting with amazing people in the process.

But today I just kinda felt like tears were the answer. Unfortunately, it was during our sound check for The Edge and poor brenna and dave were kinda confused...and so was I! Haha. I decided to walk back to my apartment afterwards and I let my frustration at my own tears roll down my face, which created more.. ironic, huh? So I got home and straightened my hair.. I figured it would give me some good alone time to talk to Jesus. it did. I was like.. "I have no idea what is wrong with me.." and the more I talked and vented, the more the irritation went away and my eyes didn't sting. It was like God was telling me to let myself go sometimes... but I hate being that person, who doesn't?
Who wants to be the cry baby? Not I, no sir, I like to hear laughs, not.. "awwww, whats wrong?" But you know, its okay to be both. Its so strange how much I keep learning about myself.. the truth Christ keeps pulling back inch by inch.. revealing who I am. Its cool that we learn these things gradually.. I think I'd go crazy if I saw all truth all at once. BAM! anyways.. I don't really know what this blog has to do with much of anything. But after my little tear-jerker-Jesus-time I felt really, really good. I came back to The Edge and was greeted with tons of smiling faces and my heart was joyful. I just hope next time.. whatever was wrong.. I don't hold it in so long.. Plus, I need to start practicing in case I ever have a daughter who needs that emotional connection.

Love&peace
Emily

The Edge

2009-08-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

My soul is still soaring from last night. It was our first "Edge" (Christian Student Fellowship) worship and fellowship service of the year! The room was packed with a LOT of new faces... more than I anticipated, but was still praying for! I was also a little nervous and anxious to sing "hosanna" for the first time, but when the time came for it, I definitely felt God's peace rest in me.. when I closed my eyes I was in His presence. It is a powerful song, especially when the students are belting it before me and Dave is confidently singing harmonies beside me.. Also, Amanda standing next to me silently singing with me gave me great reassurance, and Katie's beautiful piano skills topped it all off. I have sang in front of people since 6th grade in all sorts of competitions and private lesson concerts, but I have never felt quite the same, as I did last night. Christ is so amazing and He calmed my nerves by the supportive people and amazing friends that kept pouring love, prayers and reassurances into me (and still are!). I never realized how much our insecurities can block us from Jesus, until last night. What if I had never mentioned to the team that I was capable of singing, because of fear, because I fear being prideful? Today would have been a whole lot less meaningful.. and my confidence would have kept shriveling away to nothing. Man, I am so thankful for the people in my life.. and how I have grown so much in a year.. and how the team has made me realize I have gifts and I shouldn't be ashamed to let Jesus utilize them...

Todd's message was pretty sweet too, and I thought it was so true. We have all these pre-conceived notions about a Jesus... but the truth is that he was unpredictable, loving, raw, gentle, powerful, a rebel, agape... All these things that are deeper than anything we have ever seen with our own eyes or felt ourselves. How can any of us think we know Jesus in His entirety? I live my days allowing Him to transform me into the woman He wants me to be... but I will still never understand His sacrifice.. His love.. Every day I learn something new, and its really exciting to know that my learning will never run out.. He always has something new to teach me. My God is not boring.. not stagnant.

So last night was a tremendous praise to God! I have been writing some blogs that are more prayer requests.... but this one is loaded with praise, because God wants us to live with joy in our lives.. and I want that 24/7 joy!

It was a good night...

Atticus Rainn.

2009-08-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

I incessantly swim through water only stopping because I find floating enjoyable.
Thoughts leave me and worries wash away as I easily glide...
scales allow the cool liquid to smoothly let me pass without a ripple...

I catch my reflection in a shiny rock and colors hit my beady eyes.
Hues of dusk, midnight and twilight flood my vision..
with twinkles of yellow and white as an afterthought.
I am the color of the heavens.

There is freedom in swimming and I pump my fins vigorously, again.
everyday I have the decision to float or to swim.
I never get far, though, when I float through the heavy, sticky waters...
My long and flowing fins carry me like a Greek god in a chariot.
Swirling, whirling and pushing me to new destinations.
My destinations are small, however, and sometimes I become still,
staring at the world beyond the glass.. where long and bright and dark and colorful
figures move past my view in frightening rhythms, unpredictable as a kaleidoscope.

As for now I will continue to swim,
as unnecessary as it is.
Waiting for the day the glass doesn't hold me from all that is new and terrifying.

Sneak Peak of "In The Now"

2009-08-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

Excerpt of my new short story, In The Now (still in editing process!):

"Time is not only two hands ticking without reason in a circle ending a day and the next second beginning a new one. It is the biological clock that we depend on, that determines our destiny and what happens when it runs out. We don't notice a crease of a forming line in the seconds that we stare at our reflection in the mirror. But in a decade we look back to a picture of our youth and realize that our skin has aged, our hair has grayed and we don't laugh as freely as we once had."