Being at home has had its rough patches, but just like sandpaper-- without the roughness the finished product wouldn't be smooth.
The other day, when the pressure built to the ceiling. I just left the house with a pair of gym shoes and Ipod and took a walk/jog down the country road. It is so invigorating to just take off in a sprint away from your problems with tears streaming down your face and David Crowder singing about how the Lord thinks YOU are Glorious.
I love my alone time with God.. its the only time I can feel completely okay with who I am.
I fight so hard to break free from my insecurities .. which I did break free from...
but right before coming back to ground zero.
Where seeing it all again first hand.. makes it easier to crawl back into my old ways.
I don't really know why I put this all on a blog.. I just needed a place to rant.. and I didn't know who would want to listen to me. So if I blog about it.. no one has to read it.. but I feel like I am talking about it anyways. I miss small group/worship team/friends/csf so much and I really need prayer right now.
I feel like my patience has gotten a little better.. and my attitude is calming down some.. but I fear it is merely my defeat mode.
I know God has seen my struggles... I finally am starting to make some money..
... I am so glad I am leaving the country in July.. It will be nice to get away with friends and invest in them and in others with God.
Sorry for the ranting.
I just needed to write.
I am hoping this sandpaper makes these rough edges smooth.. soon!
2 comments:
Going home is always hard....we're such imperfect people and you and your parents have so much history together....changing how they view you or how you view them takes time.
Know that it IS going to be part of your transformation, and you ARE getting smoothed out around the edges...and I bet your parents are, too!
I think you're awesome!!
love you.
no one is really taught parenting ... but they should be. your parents are doing what they can to love you ... but you already recognize that, i think ... it can be so hard, i know. listen to gretchen, she has such wise words ... i am still trying to find that place were my parents and i can love each other through our imperfections ... this is one of the few areas i have actually seen an answer to prayer, and it has been such a huge one.
p.s., i have always thought you were beautiful. & think so more the more i know you. the best kind of beauty irradiates our physical selves from the inside out ... you have both kinds. :)
p.p.s. i definitely know what you mean about self-esteem distorting our perceptions! - personally and academically, as i study psychology and the project i did this spring involved that...
this post has gotten so long ... oh well. :)
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