Post-Its

Last night I felt pretty down..
and thankfully, God knew how to bring me hope.
Amanda posted a vs on my wall about strength and weakness. (Isaiah 40:29) It feels like it has been a common theme in my life for the last month. I feel like I should be strong. But I keep finding out how weak I am... over and over and over again. I think it bothers me so much because I feel at my age I should be seen as a leader.. and for some reason, by feeling out of control and weak-- I am not? And when I write it out... I can SEE how arrogant and silly that seems. But I think I am weak in admitting that I am weak. Hows that for a little psychology? Also, Manders told me to listen to a specific song, "break me down" and I also went on and listened to "hold my heart" by tenth avenue north. And in "Break Me down"... a lyric cut to my heart...

"I need Your strength to feel this weak."

Its kind of a confusing line. But the more I thought about it.. the more it resonated in my mind. If we are the "strong" ones.. then we are totally oblivious to our weaknesses.. thus leading us never to gain strength because we can't ask for help. But if we are under the wing of our Creator's strength--- which is too big to acknowledge.. then we can feel that weakness that He wants to comfort. And eventually, I believe He can fill it. Even if it is everyday that I have to go back to Him.. "hey God.. its me again.. I need to feel your strength again- I lack my own today." And He is so happy to oblige. I am grateful that the world and my decisions don't rely on me anymore.

I feel like my emotions are on a rollercoaster- and I am not sure how they will change day by day.. but I do know God doesn't change. He is ever present, ever strong, ever faithful, ever loving... and all I need.

So last night I had an idea to search through Isaiah and listen to these two songs (multi-tasking!) and write lines on separate post-it notes that spoke to me. By 1:00 in the morning.. my wall was covered in post it notes. The verses and lyrics weren't in any order... yet I noticed how they all coincided- how they all fit. And how God told me to stick them together.. so His promises were at the end, speaking to my soul- stirring the spirit.

"Could the maker of the stars, feel my breaking heart?" (tAn)
"If your everything you say you are.. would you come close and hold my heart?"(tAn)
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (40:29)
"So do not fear, I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am Your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (41:10)
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." (40:31)

I am okay to feel weak.. as long as I rely on His strength.