a slab of frustration with a side of inadequacy.

Tomorrow I head to Springfield with a carload of my materialistic life stuffed in boxes. I start my senior year on the 24th, how strange. I definitely feel like I have had enough years of eduation to be here.. but its strange that I don't feel adequate...still. I want to feel smart and accomplished and ready to take on the world. Some people are so confident in themselves. Where do they find that? At the 7-11?
I understand being confident in God..I get that..
I am confident that He is going to get me through this life and whisper directions in my ear. But do I hear his whisper because my own words cover it? What happens when walls come up on my path.. do I see it as a sign to follow Christ elsewhere or as an evil temptation to veer from the path?

I couldn't find a friend's house in quincy the other day. I had been there a couple times, both times either following someone or riding with someone.. but this time I was on my own. i was heading to my last small group before I left for school. But it was no where to be found.
And I drove up and down the street I thought it was on.. and around the block.. up and down streets next to it.. I was so frustrated that I was in tears.. calling myself stupid.. and inadequate. You see.. I have no instincts when it comes to directions. That is one thing that really irritates me about myself. And in my head I kept yelling "Wow, Emily, if you can't even find this house.. how do you ever expect to deal with real life situations.. and get through life without someone helping you?"

I finally gave up the search and drove to Starbucks waiting for the church service to start (an hour later).
Sitting there I was irate. For many reasons I can't really understand.. maybe a lot of things.. I guess some things you can feel.. and some things you can explain. This was more of a feeling.
Of anger. Anger towards myself and humanity.. and then i began to free write about.. cardboard walls that we put up around us.. and we refuse to see the suffering on the other side.. the walls are flimsy and will fail, eventually.. but the temporary blindness makes us happy, so that's all that matters.. our own self-indulgences come first.
And the kids faces from Kenya wouldn't stop flooding my sight.. their faces I can't forget.. and I will try never to forget. I haven't written anything much about my trip.. no blogs.. no journals, since I've been home. I want to.. and people want me to.. i know God wants me to.. but once again I feel overwhelmed.. and I think a pinch inadequate of not relating my feelings and God's work the right way on paper.

So instead I just sat in Starbucks scribbling a random prose about fake people.
I wish I could say I wasn't one of them...
I wish I could go into Senior year confident and polished....
I wish I would stop wishing and do something....