The Waters of Selfish Thought

I sink in the vast waters,
flailing my human arms,
grasping for reason
for comfort
reassurance I won't be lost,
in the dark, vicious waters
of my own selfishness.
I grow weary from the current,
allowing liquid to scorch my dry throat,
but choking the only life I've been given.
On land I am cool,
I am collected.
but everyone flails in the open seas,
no one is hurting more than us.
A raft passes over my outstretched fingers
never looking down to see my struggle.
The weight of drowning victims grab my feet,
Their icy fingers grasping for some hope I can't offer.
I could kick.
I want to kick.
I want to be free of responsibility,
of doubt,
of pain,
of this calloused heart.
of the blood upon my hands.
"I'm sorry Jesus, I can't love like you. It hurts too much."
I speak but bubbles float to the surface,
I want them to carry me up.
They disappear.
empty silence fills my ears and I crave oxygen.
my lungs blaze with fire.
I hear verses fill my ears and I glance the deep ocean for a sign,
the empty void speaks to the silence in harmony.
They work together to conspire,
to prey on my insecurities,
my pride,
my selfishness,
my wants.
But I hear the verses sung to me again
somewhere deep within me
It is of hope, perseverance, love...
and pain,
pain my God felt and feels
every.
day.
And I weep once more,
but not for me.
for Him.
for them.
and I swim,
I swim with renewed strength,
renewed peace.
I swim until the water loses gravity
and my face breaks the glassy surface.
Below me I feel the hands around my ankles begin to climb.
I am pulled under with the weight,
but I bob to the surface for breath,
tired, weary,
but understanding it isn't about me.
the people climb and their lips taste the air.
We swim together now, some of us sinking,
some floating,
but always reaching out for the drowning.
The least of these who reach for Jesus,
and feel our hands in return.