a change of plans...

I really don't even know how to start this blog.. so I suppose I shall just dive in. The Germany trip has been canceled. The guy heading it up is not doing it and I am the only person to sign up... heartbreaking, right? I thought so. My first response was disbelief. That lasted for about an hour. Then I was just angry. I mean here I was going out on a limb for Christ.. to serve Him in the best way I could think of.. through art... How could He just leave me hanging like this? I spent a couple nights just asking him "why" over and over again with hot tears in my eyes. Also, I was embarrassed.

I had spent so much time promoting this trip and trying to get money from my community to help me out. Which they did... and now I had to tell them.. "oh.. just kidding..God apparently doesn't want me to go". And deep down.. I was angry because I wanted to go to Germany.. I wanted to leave for the summer.. I wanted.. I wanted..

I want.

Why does it never fail that when my wants turn into a "must" then my future starts breaking apart? Why is it everytime I get excited about something my mind starts fogging over about what God needs me to do next? God really just opened my eyes this week to my own selfishness. As much as I longed to do this in His name.. I turned it into my own name.

so I have been just praying about patience and waiting for God to show me what He needs me to do next. Frankly, He is amazing. Even when I was angry at Him, He held me tightly. Or should I say.. especially when I am angry He holds me. He will never hold my faults against me. He will just change me into more of the woman He wants me to be.

As of now? What do I think God is telling me to do? I am now thinking of taking the journey to Kenya for two weeks with the CSF crew. I have wanted to go to Africa since a little girl, and have written papers about the genocide of Darfur.. sponsor a girl from Kenya through compassion.. yada yada... so obviously the desire is there. That is definitely not the problem.. I am just praying that this is where God would like me to serve my time this summer. Plus, my parents, BOTH my mom and dad.. have agreed whole heartedly on the change of place.. since costs are much lower and will give me enough time to work back home and make the money they are so worried about. So in away.. this decision may be wiser if I want to respect my dad's opinons.

Also I feel like I have become more involved with CSF this past week than I ever was the whole of last semester.. and I will be really praying about continuing in growing in relationships and community here at UIS with people. As much as I love my home church, sometimes a person needs a little "weening" and distance to reach others and to be reached in new places.