tears and laughter

Is it weird to just have moments.. maybe even a day.. where you just feel the urge to cry? I am not really an emotional person.. I may have laughed in Time Traveler's Wife and The Notebook... but I'm not heartless, I promise! :)
I grew up not showing my tears when dealing with sadness or pain. I don't know what it feels to cry in your mom's arms after a break up, which I would still feel strange doing. I am not saying this for pity, its just how I was raised, I don't really feel remorse for it, its just how I am. However, I do think I want my daughter to cry in my arms. I want to be that comfort when life is unbearably hard. I hear that crying and laughter are medicine.. its good to do both. I laugh a lot, maybe too much in certain situations.. but I like being joyful, who doesn't?

But sometimes I have to force myself to cry, because all my hurts, pains, rejections, insecurities build up and up, like a teetering stack of books. I either have to knock them down myself, or sometimes they topple over unexpectedly.

Kind of like today. My mood has been really good lately, I have had some curve balls thrown at me.. but I am just experiencing God in SO many ways.. and really connecting with amazing people in the process.

But today I just kinda felt like tears were the answer. Unfortunately, it was during our sound check for The Edge and poor brenna and dave were kinda confused...and so was I! Haha. I decided to walk back to my apartment afterwards and I let my frustration at my own tears roll down my face, which created more.. ironic, huh? So I got home and straightened my hair.. I figured it would give me some good alone time to talk to Jesus. it did. I was like.. "I have no idea what is wrong with me.." and the more I talked and vented, the more the irritation went away and my eyes didn't sting. It was like God was telling me to let myself go sometimes... but I hate being that person, who doesn't?
Who wants to be the cry baby? Not I, no sir, I like to hear laughs, not.. "awwww, whats wrong?" But you know, its okay to be both. Its so strange how much I keep learning about myself.. the truth Christ keeps pulling back inch by inch.. revealing who I am. Its cool that we learn these things gradually.. I think I'd go crazy if I saw all truth all at once. BAM! anyways.. I don't really know what this blog has to do with much of anything. But after my little tear-jerker-Jesus-time I felt really, really good. I came back to The Edge and was greeted with tons of smiling faces and my heart was joyful. I just hope next time.. whatever was wrong.. I don't hold it in so long.. Plus, I need to start practicing in case I ever have a daughter who needs that emotional connection.

Love&peace
Emily