Never Ending Battle with Self

I kind of feel like a slacker.
There are so many things I need to do before Jesus returns, it seems. And yet, my schedule is so full that I know I need to stop doing "things".
Today I stopped at subway, and yes, got a tuna sub on flatbread with moz cheese, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes.. the only way to go.. and as I pulled out of the parking lot with my mouth full of fish I glanced over and saw a homeless man sitting on the curb holding a sign.
I felt sick.
I always feel awkward in these situations.. I find it hard to trust anyone in this world without really getting to know them and studying their character. Once that happens I am loyal as a dog. But until then, my skepticism is pretty thick... which makes it hard to love people freely without walls being put up around my heart. And sometimes I wonder if these homeless people have opportunities to get jobs and why they can't.. you know.. the horrible American way of thinking..
But today was different.
This past weekend was the winter retreat and Mr. Lowry spoke on Revelation- my favorite subject. I get so excited thinking about the day Jesus comes back, the only sombering thought is of the people I love who haven't given their lives to Christ. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. I don't know the best way to love people and show them how much Jesus loves them, when I feel irritated by their life choices. It is so above feelings, this I have come to realize. It is not about how I feel at all, it is not about ME at all.. and I have to remind myself of this constantly..
So why did the homeless guy bug me more so today?
Because I saw Jesus sitting on that curb.
And I, along with every other car, just drove on by.
My sandwich no longer tasted as good (believe me, it is one of my favorite things to eat) and I felt nauseous after it.
I feel like, lately, I have been dropping the ball more than playing the game. I don't get to hang out with people the way I did last semester and just get to know their hearts. I am caught up with school work and getting ready to become an "adult".. and I don't like this phase I am in. It seems completely self-centered. Sure, it seems natural in our "me-culture" for a college senior to think about her needs and wants for a future career and to have a plan... but I have chosen not to live by the American culture... but what the Holy Spirit is leading me to do.

And I know if Jesus came back next week, He would say.. "Well, you kinda fell off the bandwagon from last semester, didn't you Emily? Who have you tried to disciple to, lately? Where is your time going?"
And what can I say to a creator who knows every word before I say it?
I want to be like Bob Lowry.. and live each day passionately for God, by loving people- ALL people- like I am going to die within a year. Sometimes I wish we were all diagnosed with something, its then that we realize what is really important, and even more so.. who is really important.