Its the first time that I don't feel at home...at my home. Everyday I wake up feeling like a guest and try pitching in on chores as a sort of rent payment. Everyday I keep the phone close expecting to receive a call from a business saying they liked my resume enough to hire me. Every day I wonder why I am here waiting when everyone else is out doing something. Today I spent over two hours calling, emailing and browsing the world wide web... searching jobs in the Springfield area. Dead ends.
The hope will carry on to tomorrow.
A card lays on my desk from Jonathan's parents.. "You're going to be a success, Grad!" it exclaims loud enough for me to turn my head and grimace. Its scratchy font now mocks instead of encourages. "When?" I ask the card...
and then turn my head to heaven.
When?
everywhere I turn someone asks me what I am doing with my life. It is usually innocent, but I twist their suggestions and take it to the gut. My answer is always the same..
"That is a great question"
"Have you applied anywhere?" they respond...
"No", I want to say, "I love being dependent on my parents and not living a life for myself where there is absolutely no community of believers to hold me accountable. Why would I want to leave that?"
Instead I answer politely and dodge the next person I see who I know will ask me the exact same thing.
When I prayed today heading to Pittsfield for groceries (A trip out of my claustrophobic house) I told God, "I may be being dramatic.. but I am dying here." With my boyfriend in Alaska, my best girl friends, church, small group and life in Springfield... I feel utterly cut off.
Like time is standing still but moving quicker than I wanted.
But its okay.
tomorrow is a new day, and there, hope awaits me.
4 comments:
Em, I'm so glad we got to talk tonight and a little bit happy I got to interupt the blog ;)
I so wish I was there with you to give you some comfort. I don't know why God has you in this waiting period right now, but He's got you at home for a reason. Babe, I hope you keep rebuking satan and the lies that tries to push into your mind while you have a lot of time to think. You know you can always let me know when you want me to pray for anything, anytime; you have lots of brothers and sisters that would pray with me. I love you so much Em, and I know so many other people that love you too (but not as much as I love you ;) It might be worth asking Delta and posting something on TheCity to see if anyone has any ideas...just a thought.
I love you so much Em!
I hope your day is bright and cheery tomorrow and Light shines through all the dark clouds (both literally and metaphoracly)
You are my photosynthesis!
Ugh...it's so hard to be in transition. I try to avoid hills and valleys at all costs, and long for the straightaway where it's easy and smooth and predictable....but the reality is that I grow more in the hills and valleys, the hard, awkward, and frustrating times.
Hang in there...
I know how you feel...if I didn't have my job at the nursing home I'd be in a boat with you. I miss our community, this job is the only thing really keeping me sane. I kept praying to God for a purpose,some meaning in this transition and I'm still kinda waiting and I'll add your name in with that prayer. I'm here for you. Love you em.
Emily just know that God will provide. I was in the same boat as you. I did find a part time job pretty quickly after graduation as a "filler" but God knew better and 11 months after graduation was given a promotion to a full time position.
My suggestion, don't look in the obvious places.
Love you and praying for you
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