Ingrained Legalism

Having much downtime to read I borrowed "The Ragumuffin Gospel" from the Lasleys and it has been a great read so far. I admit I haven't been overly dedicated to it, and haven't been finding much joy in reading it nor my bible. I tell myself to read my bible everyday and chew and swallow it like I would spinach. Maybe, subconsciously I feel like I haven't been doing anything that I need wisdom from the Bible for. Which is a total lie. But that is the only reasoning I have come up with. And prayer? Its been at least a week since I've had a heart-felt prayer.. and after that prayer I had so many things answered. Why am I slacking so much? I need accountability, that is for sure.. I am so in love with Jesus, that it is shocking to acknowledge that I have slowly faded to a lazy faith. I thought being in Springfield in an empty house would be relaxing and give me much Jesus-time. Truthfully, I have felt lethargic and antsy (yes, at the same time). I think I miss people. And being here, in this house, is a great reminder that my favorite guy in the world is not here with me- my best friend who would listen to my thoughts on Jesus every day. And he still does, but its hard when phone time is limited. It has been a challenge being in Springfield.. and knowing that I have found peace in staying at home until October, but being here and seeing businesses that I could apply for, that if hired, would probably offer me a part-time position starting this summer. Which is not what I thought God wanted me to do... and at one point last week I thought I had 3 weddings lined up, and now I am down to a possible 1. I have been getting a lot of encouragement with my art and photography.. But I still feel stuck in a rut. Today, as I was reading Ragamuffin Gospel, I came across this paragraph that made me stare at disbelief of what Brennan Manning wrote, wondering how he got in my head..

"A married woman in Atlanta with two small children told me recently she was certain that God was disappointed with her because she wasn't "doing anything" for Him. She told me she felt called to a soup kitchen ministry but struggled with leaving her children in someone else's care. She was shocked when I told her the call was not from God but from her own ingrained legalism. Being a good mother wasn't enough for her; in her mind, neither was it good enough for God."

I am not worried about being a good mother, but I did say those exact words a couple weeks ago about God being disappointed that I wasn't doing enough. And though I feel like I have been given a waiting period, its still evident that He is still trying to reassure me that I can be missional in my now. This idea of ingrained legalism is interesting, because I think legalism is a bunch of bologna because Jesus is about love, not laws. But has theories on how a christian should live been ingrained in my head? Are we being legalistic if we think missionaries don't live amongst us? Is it a law that I feel guilty for not physically doing good deeds, when souls are the things that really matter? My head hurts now...

Today I also read 1 Kings 13, which was kind of intimidating. The "man of God" did not obey God nor listen to His command, and the man "turned back the way he had come"... God, then, sent a lion to kill him.
Alright, God. I'll obey your calling..
but please, if I screw up... no lions...
a more subtle sign will work..

I'll add a picture to help with the visual.